Letters from Crystal Meth users - Page 5
Trying to find myself...
I was 13 when I tried my first cigarette. And that was it, the people I hung out with, who were much older, suddenly seemed to think I was much cooler. I got hooked on nicotine because I thought it made me belong. Then, the summer i was 14, I smoked weed for the first time. And I never stopped. When I was high, everything was ok, it seemed like my friends really accepted me and I loved myself and the world. I promised myself I would stick to weed, no chemicals, no injections, and no pills.
But when I entered high school at 14 and a half, I found a new crowd of people. They were the sketchy, 'weird', paranoid people that hung out in the park across the street. Their eyes seemed to be swallowed by black circles, and their bones stuck out in every place. At first it was just weed and I thought it was ok, after all, they were friends. then one night in a bathroom, my best friend pulled out a very delicate looking glass pipe. She looked at me with this hunger on her face and asked if I wanted to some speed. it was my first time. She was an expert and told me exactly what to do. I loved it-the light smoke, the big hits, the taste, the energy, the feeling. One night, too many hits, and I was hooked.
Soon I lived only for tweak. Spending days and days without eating but it was ok, because I was happy and on top of the world. I lost so much weight that I was sent to a counselor because people thought I was anorexic. I've always been skinny, but I weighed about 95 lbs and stood at 5'8. I stole from my mother, dad, brother, friends, anyone who had money. I was never home, my GPA dropped to below 1.0, and it happened. My friend ratted me out. I met w/ the police and I was spun, they would call my house, and I'd still be spun. I was under investigation but I couldn't make myself stop. I didn't have the control anymore.
This was about two months ago. I've been in trouble for weed, coke, speed, drinking, the whole nine yards. I couldn't let it all go, I smoke weed almost everyday, I've been clean for only a month of speed. But everyday is hell, and not one day goes by where I don't think about getting back what I had. If someone flashed tweak in front of me, unfortunately, I'd take it. right now, i would kill for speed.
I know you've all heard it before, but it's not worth it....EVER. I am 15 years old and threw away all I cared for. My family can barely look at me, I switched schools 3 times (each time falling in w/ the wrong crowd), i've lost all my friends, and i have nothing left but the hollowness and knowing that it's my fault. I've become one of those twitchy, paranoid, worthless parkies...and I could've stopped it all along time ago. Claire, Colorado, USA, Apr 09, 2004
Ten Year User
Hello! I am 51. A meth user for going on ten years... So now I want to hope for some silly thought. I could not suffer all the inevitable adverse and painfull health detereoriation (see I"m so scared I can"t even spell the word!!) I have Untreated Hep C (Diagnosed approx.4yrs ago)..alcolhic,Both breast Implants (Silicone) ruptured approx 8years. Now painful ugly swollen joints. Shame. Horriblefeelings of them obvious guilt.. I work on a military base 30 to 40 hrs a week.
Full benefits, very rewarding, in that It is fairly descent pay and I can some what or I did for a while use the extra energy to do the job very well. I'm sure they over look alot of the obvious with the select few that kickass and just get the production out. Almost 1 year vested. Feels like accomplishment compaired to all my prior employment being seasonal with the Feast or Famine chase the labor line, on call hopes of making at least 25 to 30 hours a week. Anyway, guess I''ll send this off @nd night up Easter eve last night with my homeless 26 year old son. I went (i rent a room nice apartment blah blha ahead and let him sleep in my car just for one night. So good to see him after one month of not hearing, not knowing, anything other than were both lost at this war. God forgive me. No melo drama no marters and no fillin my story with all the hard luck bull sh-- That I detest...! I have shared more here than I thought I was willing too. Thanks for being here. G. San diego (Calif) USA, Apr 12, 2004
I am back
I have been coming to this site for 2 years now. I can't say I'm sober, but for 5 months last year I stayed sober. It wasn't due to the out-patient rehab clinc I attended. My being sober was due to this site and the chat room. I'm back once again it will 8 years I'm using. I'm back for the awsome support I don't want to see 10 years not even nine. If there is anyone anyone reading on this site and these stories that has not started using. LISTEN TO US. DON'T DO IT. SHE WON'T LET YOU GO. SHE'LL KEEP YOU & AND MAKE YOU THE WEAKEST OF HUMANS. THAT IS A PROMISE. KC NEW ORLEANS LA Apr 13, 2004
The Reason I Use
The reason I use crystal, and probably everyone else, is to help me overcome the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that some type of situation has made me feel. I am not powerless over crystal methamphetamine, it is an inanimate object and the only power it has over me is the power I allow it to have over me. Addiction is a myth. I am not an addict. I may use crystal addictively but there is a huge difference. Dexter Cane, mesa, arizona, united states of america, Apr 14, 2004
Four Year Addict
I have been addicted to meth for over 4 years now. I use it to help me get the mundane tasks of life done. I want to quit and am sure I could if only I can find a place for detox or rehab that does not cost thousands of dollars. We need places that can help people like me, who want to stop but need medical attention and a place to stay for a while. It is impossible for me to do it and stay home in bed. My surroundings create the urge to use again. The house needs cleaning, the car needs washing, I need to call this person back and all the other excuses I use. When I stop I sleep and cry and freak out about everything. Where is a detox facility that will work with me? Hospitals are so pricey and I have lost almost everything. I hate this drug, I hate who I have become and I miss myself. I can't stop! I rationalize everything to buy one more bag. I want to be locked in a room away from my home to detox and think straight again. I cannot believe what I have become. What I am throwing away and where I soon will be without help. RAY in Palm Springs, USA, Apr 15, 2004
Admissions of a Life Addict
It hurts to write. Part of me wants to hide and hover in the dark corners of my mind; to lie to you; to me; to everyone, and say that I'm doing just fine. Emptiness is nothing, its the loneliness that stings. I blame myself because I realize I was looking for an addiction all along. I always seemed to find the anodynes to nurture that romantisized state of being tragic. That special place of darkness where all the tortured artists and musicians and writers breathed.
I felt beautiful at first and it didn't matter what you thought of me. I was untouchable, inspired, above all trivial human needs like hunger or sleep. I painted feverishly into the mechanical night and into the pale white sterile morning. I had found my new secret best friend. Then I began to slip. I found myself becoming indifferent to the people around me. I didn't need anyone. I would be starting college in the fall and as long as there was speed I would leave everyone behind.
Then my grandmother died and my best friend read my journal. We did crystal together on weekends. Her boyfriend was my dealer. She read my journal to everyone and told people I was crazy because I wrote how crystal had given her an eating disorder and how I had met one too. I suposse there is something dreadfully painful about truth amidst lies. Yet writing has been the only way for me to make sense of anything in my life. I never meant to hurt her and I know she meant o hurt me but its not her fault. She is just as lost as me. Its funny how humans pocess the heard mentality.
I was cast out from my meth friends then. This was a blessing I did not realize at the time. So I moved to the city determined to start a new path. I put all my attention into art school, and kept myself busy at all times. I watched as my once frail figure expanded into thickness. Inside there was a part of me that secretly missed speed. I cared what everyone thought of me. I disgusted myself. I asked my mother if I could see a psychiatrist since I have been struggeling with ADHD since I was very young. I remember sitting in the doctors office. He was writing me a prescription for adderol and then asked if I had ever had any problems with meth or coke. I could have said yes, I should have said yes but something inside me had already decided before I walked into his office. "No, I like my pot but that's about it." What a lie, a blatent lie, for I had made it my mission at 15 to experience every drug known to man and so far had accomplished this twisted goal with the exception of peyote and a couple other obscure things.
I got my prescription and went on my way. Pharmasutical speed, paid for by my insurance. How could it get any better than this? I never took it properly. I meant to but from day one I always had to have just one more pill to get me motivated then another and another until I was a machine and two weeks short on my supply.
When Christmas rolled around I decided to splurge on some meth after 6 months clean and got ripped off with a stingy bag from my ex-dealer. I won't waste the space going over every little slip that brought me to this point only that after a few more splurges I decided to take one big jump and fly to Las Vegas and get an ounce. I flew there by myself 21 years old to meet a friend of a friend in the city of sin. I was there for nine days and got so high I thought I'd lost my mind. I met a guy and got addicted to him just like I seem to get addicted to everything in life. Aha, that's what I am, an addict of life. I had been going through guys like lines since left for school. None of them meant anything and I liked it that way.
I ended up missing my flight and had to reschedule. My suit case was stolen by some tweekers I partied with in my hotel and a heroin addict prostitute who just kind of showed up like a shadow. I felt insane all alone on a planet of neon lights and slot machines. The guy came to get me and we pretended to need each other while trying to hurt each other because we were so unraveled it made sence to get tangled and knotted into eachother.
Then I left for home with a nickel in my pocket. My mother called to make sure I was okay, alive. She asked if I had gotten a drug problem or into some sort of trouble. I told her it was just my damn ADD and I was a skatterbrain. She knew deep down I know, but she couldn't prove it. I did so much speed in Vegas I had little left when I got home. I had gone through it so hastily, rail after rail, bowl after bowl. I had now slipped from recreational dabbeling weekend trists to everyday rituals just to function. I tried to conserve but a week past and I was out.
I can't even begin to describe the exhaustion and depression I have brought on myself from drug abuse. I am three days clean and it feels like an eternity. Every time a twinge of discomfort or uneasiness bestowed me I had a shard cure ready. Yet now it hurts from every corner of my being and I can't hide. I don't know whether I am dying or being born and I suposse now I should have plenty of inspiration for my paintings but its too real. I'm not a religious person but when I was a little girl up to a couple years ago I used to pray to God and beg him to forgive me and to comfort me when I was lost. I used to promise to be good. Then I would feel this peace within me unlike any other, a warmth inside like love. I would change and I'd move forward. I got into college, got writing published, and amazing things would happen. But somewhere along the line I'd slip again. How many times can one promise to change, without ever fully changing? I'm so tired of letting everyone down, tired of breaking my promises, just so tired.
I am 21 years old and will have an uphill battle to face for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I had turned down that first line, or realized that like every human being I deserve to be loved. I preferred to be a machine rather then a person because I wanted control. Everything I thought I found in speed were the things I lost, because I have traded them in for a quick high. I hope God forgives me. I hope I can forgive me one day too.
Soleil, Boston, MA, USA, Apr 16, 2004
The first time...
The first time I tried ice, I was 15 years old, and pregnant although I didn't know it at the time. I ended up getting an abortion and met a new guy a couple of months later. Before I tried ice, I had only drank and smoked pot. When I did try it, I liked it a lot. I had so much fun because I could talk to everyone and I felt like I was on the same level with them, like we had something in common.
My boyfriend, Ben, and his friends were also into drugs like coke, ice, ecstacy, xanax, or whatever was available. Well, ice was very available. So for a while we did it like every weekend. At first I would only eat it, then I snorted it, and eventually began to smoke it. Then when I graduated Ben and I got an apartment and I was going to college. Now that we were on our own, we could do whatever whenever. And isn't it funny how the wrong people just fall into your life? We were doing it a few times a week. I was skipping school, he was missing work and we had blown about $3000 dollars on ice; we were broke. On our worst run ever I flipped out on him, I was thinking things that were not real and I had no idea, it lasted all night until he finally got me to realize it was all in my head. At this point we realized we were addicted, he was 19 and I was 18.
Then one night something happened that was very scary. Ben's blood pressure shot up, the circulation was cutting off in his arms, his veigns were popping out and his skin was sucking in, I thought he was going to die. Luckily, he was okay, but we knew we had to quit. It was so hard, we just wanted it, but somehow I really can't say how, I guess after realizing our problem and the seeing all the horrors of how bad it can get, we gradually got off of it. Today it has been about three months since doing it and we are still together through it all. Natalie, Apr 21, 2004
Good Info
This site gave me information about crystal like no other. I still wanna smoke crystal because I only do it once in a while. My first hit was like a pro then I smoked that whole night, and everyday after that for about 30 days streight In that short period of time I lost everything from my shoes, to my appetite to my friends. I ran away to my parents house about an hour away. when I go back I smoke, I go back about once a month. Im up all night, all day and I dont eat. I get terrible black bags under my eyes and I have very large pupils. I klench my jag hard without noticeing, my teeth feel lose. I also get several cold sores in my mouth and my toung turns white. I loose wheight and turn really moody. My mouth also becomes very and I cant stop talking. Then I sleep for about 24 hours and I wake up feelign so great. I take it like dying for 3 days. LB, LONG BEACH, CA, USA, Apr 21, 2004
I was feeling alone
This website is great for users that feel alone in their struggles with addiction. Seeing what other people in the same general situation have to say about what helps them, hurts them, and sharing their stories really gives one a sense of hope and comfort that their problem isn't unique and that others have been through the same things, and have even been able to conquer the many issues and problems that go along with addiction. Drugs are insanely adept at taking control of the people that use them. Maybe a person who looks at this site and sees what real people have to say could make a more informed, rational decision when it comes to drug use. I know that this site has made me feel better. Thank you so much! Kim, Dayton, Ohio, U.S. Apr 24, 2004
Something so Simple
Crystal meth was my best friend and my worst enemy. It's hard to believe that something so simply made, something that most people take for granted as something rather harmless can control your life, control everything you ever believed in. Meth took away my childhood ambitions, and as I blossomed to near-adulthood, it destroyed my family's trust in me, and it demolished everything that I had ever been. I was fifteen when I started doing it, locally known simply as 'g'. I thought I was on top of the world. I loved having all the new energy, and used it to my advantage. Soon after beginning, I was aceing all my classes, something I hadn't done since grade school. I had an entire new ring of friends. I became a class-A writer, and I started to draw, something I had never before been able to do. This lasted about a year, until I began to realize that the 'g' was taking over my life. The new friends I had acquired were nothing but 'drug buddies'. Our friendships, although seeming close, were nothing. I realized that I had no ambition to go to college, and nearing the end of my junior year of high school, college plans are a big deal to most people. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't want anything except for the amazing high that I still felt. I had stacks and stacks, probably pretty close to two thousand pages of short stories, poems, and drawings, things that I look at now in disgust, but am too afraid to throw away. I lost all memories from earlier in my life, including the most cherished ones of my childhood. I lost everything. I think when I realized that I lost everything, was when I finally put my pipes away, and started to straighten myself out. How can something so fucking simple, be so fucking hard to walk away from? That's just all I want to know... Stephanie, Arizona, May 09, 2004
The Right Choice
It's been a month since the last time I used meth, and I don't know how I feel. I had used ecstasy, cocaine, heroin and other drugs before I ever tried meth, and nothing did to me what my first hit of speed did. I felt so energetic, able to socialize, strong, and free of worries, I loved it. On top of all that, I was sure that meth would be great, harmless alternative to to the other drugs I did before. How wrong I was! My thought started to revolve around meth, and soon my world was meth. I'd stay up for days, sleep for a few days, and go back out to do it all over again. I had bad meth behavior. I would pick at my arms and hands for hours until they were raw and bleeding (I lost all hope that the scars will ever go away), I wouldn't eat or drink fluids so I'd usually get sick after a few days and puke up bile, I'd tweak and get agressive, I got into physical fights, and I ended up in the psychward, and in cells for disturbing the peace.
I kept promising myself that I'd quit, but I kept going and going until snorting tunred to snorting and smoking, and then turned to injecting. Injecting was a bad idea from the start, my hert went nuts but I ignored it, until it finally got so out of hand that I could not manage to stand up anymore and the world around me was spinning. I went to the ER and I was warned, if I keep doing meth, I'm gonna die of either heart failure, or a heart attack.
I promised myself to never use again, and I stayed clean for about a week. Back I was using, and back I was on in the hospital a few hours later, same reason as the last time. I went to the hospital for the same reason 4 times and I was warned everytime that my heart can't take this abuse anymore. I wanted to care but I couldn't. Meth sucked me back in. It was a month ago that I was at home and realized what the doctors and the nurses in the ER were talking about when they warned me of what would happen to me. I was fine one moment, the next I went down to the floor in the worst pain I had ever been in, screaming for my mother to do something. She had no idea what to do so she called an ambulance: thank God. I was geting ready for a heart attack, at 19 years old!
When I arrived at the hospital my heart was going at 240 beats a minute, I couldn't breathe enough on my own, and I was sure that I was going to die. Luckily, I was wrong about that, but I realized that my meth use finally had to come to an end or I would die. The past month has been hard for me, and I suffer from depression, anxiety, and boredom. I can't help thinking about the good times I once had on meth, and then I wonder if I would hurt myself if I did just a little bit. I end up forcing myself to remember how it felt to almost die, and I hate to have to choose, but I choose to live. Fen May 16, 2004
My Horror Story
I'm different from most of y'all. I graduated school with honors, didn't drink or smoke, or do any types of drugs. I played football for 13 years, that's what kept my mind off everything else including all drugs until I got curious. It's been 2 years since I've graduated and I'm starting to get meth bumps "EVERYWHERE". I didn't do "chicken" because I thought I would be cool, I just never knew any feeling but sober. I was just curious, well curiousity killed this cat. A year ago this past Easter, 04/20/03 I flipped my truck 4 times end over end (Fell asleep at the wheel at 2 in the afternoon, body couln't take being up anymore). My cousin was riding with me he got ejected through the windshield, broke his back, after more than a year past he just got released to work again. I thought that would be a helping hand in my recovery, the only thing is that was just a warning of what will happen later if I don't quit soon.
Three months after that wreck I started up again only this time, you can say: "Hook, line, sinker". In September I would just do it on the weekends. That lasted till mid-December, then me and my friends would start staying up weeks at a time (just to see the monsters). That lasted for bout 2 months, my body wont stay up more than 2 maybe 3 days(if its really good DOPE). But the worse thing that I could of done was start selling, 2 years ago I didn't know what a 16th was, now days if I dont have a 16th (for one day) I dont even bother trying to stay up all night. Selling put me out there way to far I would go through a half-pound in 4 days. Now that I am not selling anymore I still have those quanity problems I get a 1/4 oz. a day for personal use. I still plan on quitting one day, but how many days do I have left at this rate. If your reading this and you havent experinced with drugs (meth, ectacy,....ect.) even weed don't. Drugs go no where and they will take you no where in life. Make goals and acheieve them. I had goals, morals,...oh wait I had a GREAT LIFE, meth did nothing but take all this away. So in my final words please DO NOT TRY METH. Cole, May 19, 2004
Smart Decision? (Note: The spelling and grammer have not been corrected.)
i started a new school at the begining of this year. this was a pretty small school. it only had about 710 students. Me, being a very outgoing person got to know everyone within a metter of weeks. As i got to know them i relized that almost all of them smoke weed. and if they didnt do it on a regular basis, the had done it or would do it if it was put in front of them. (i had never gotten high before i had gone to this school.) people started asking me if i had ever smoked weed, i lied and said yes just to be cool. a couple of weeks into school i met these two girls that i became very close with. i told them that i wanted to try it and i did. i loved it and started smoking everyday. i would lie to my dad and tell him i was doing homework, so that i could go to their houses and smoke weed. while still going to this school, i got a boyfriend. (one of the biggest dealers at the school) after a while i started staying the night at his house and blazzing up all night, and then going to skool the next day. all i cared about was getting high. so my grades slipped and i had straght Fs. my dad made me go to a different skool, because he figured out what i was doing. when i started my new school, i found more pot heads, and still got high as much as possible, although, this time i ketpt my grades up and all C's and above.
this week is finals at my new school, they are so hard for me...just two days ago my friend brought over some crystal meth, i told my self i was never gonna do bigger drugs then just weed, but i did anyways. i smoked with her. it didnt affect me like i though it was going to. it gave me SOO much energy and i felt so good about my self. i got all of my homework together and did all of it. i dont know what it was...i liked what it did for me. i liked what i had accopmlished while i was on it, and i really want to try it again, but i really dont want to end up like some of the people in the stories i have read. i hope i make the right disision...disions diosions.. jess salem, or, US, May 26, 2004
Meth is not prejudice
Meth is not prejudice it destroys all that try it. Experiment with it, use it and become addicted to it. I am one that has been down this horrifing road. I lost 50 pounds in 3 months. My husband who had just been released from prison on a 5 year sentence for manufacturing meth, got me on the shit. One month short of a year of him being out of prison he was back in for 90 days on a parole violation. While he was in jail he had me get something from his mom's house to sell it to a friend of a friend he met in jail. This thing I sold was red phosphorus, it is used in making meth, and the guy I sold it to was a drug inforcement agent. With no priors I am facing 10 years in prison my husband is getting 15 years. This drug is evil as I tried to tell my husband for 7 months before finally giving in and trying it, thinking he would feel horrible about the corruption he was bringing to my life and it would make him quit, but that just opened the doors for it to do its complete distruction. My husbands and my life are ruined all in a matter of 5 months of meth use. At least for me it was only 5 months. That is all the time it took to take everything my car, my job, my home, my looks, my self respect, my money, my husband, and now my freedom. Getting busted saved my life. It opened my eyes and no matter what I will never again use meth as long as I live. Even if I was handed a pile of it for free I would not touch it. I hate it and its effects. cuz in the end these are the true effects of "meth" complete distruction. Good luck to all the world meth is our scariest terrorist of all. S.Fine, Olathe, ks, usa, may 28, 2004
MY STORY
I'm not sure where to start... I'm 29yrs old, just about 30 next month. I am a recovering Meth addict. I first started using Meth about 7 yrs ago. My partner at the time was using. I didn't know that this was what she was doing. I thought she was just smoking pot. God I wish that's all it had been. She used to go out for all hours of the day and night or have people over. I started to feel ignored and left out of her life. So what do I do...looking back it was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life... I asked her to let me have some of what she was smoking. I didn't know at the time what Speed even was or anything about the long or short term affects. At first she didn't want to give me any, but then she did, and the rollercoaster was off for me. I've pretty much done Speed every way possible except, (THANK GOD) I've never used needles. I've smoked it, snorted it and parachuted (or eaten it).
My partner and I did speed for about 3-4 yrs together. At first, it was great. We were flying high and I only needed a little bit to get me there. We had lots of sex, and went out dancing, and having fun, and for me who normally was very quiet and shy was feeling like the center of everyones attention. Then day by day, I needed more and more to get the same high. My partner and I started physically fighting non stop. Our relationship became very violent. I got my nose broken twice, black eyes, went to the hospital for being kicked repeatedly in the back. All due to delusions on mine and my partner's part. She thought that I had taken her stash, thought I had taken her money, accused me constantly of cheating on her with EVERYONE in town. (When I did none of those things.) I ended up calling my parents to come get me cause I thought that she was planning with a group of people to kill me. We were sleeping with knives under our pillows and mattress ( lol when we were sleeping at all that is) and we used to go out at night carrying a machette under our jackets just so we wouldn't get jumped for our stash.
I ended up loosing my children twice because of this drug... my kids ran the neighborhood, (they were about 6 and 3 and a half) we had no food in our house so they used to go and steal candy from the corner store just so they could eat, looking in the fridge to make a sandwich and a little girl of like 6yrs old making a sandwich with moldy bread just because she was hungry and guess what folks...we forgot to feed them cause we weren't hungry. Two little kids with no clean clothes, dirty faces...totally and utterly neglected (when i think now of the chemicals that they breathed in from our using makes me sick to my stomache)....and even that wasn't enough to make me stop.
What finally hit was when my partner got called on to sell ... for some not so nice people...we both got scared shitless so we ended up running to another province, with stolen money(from my dad's chequeing account no less) and a stolen car. I ended up getting arrested for that and sent back to the province we left, for court. Thankfully I only spent 11 days in jail for it and had probation, I got off lucky there! Once that was done...we went back to the province we ran too and got jobs, and a house...and fought tooth and nail to have the kids returned to us there. We finally got them back after almost a year. About two years after we had left and were clean, we were cleaning out some old bags we had never unpacked...and came across a packet of speed in a compact. It was full still. Damn two years and we find this. I ended up snorting it up ... that was the last time that I used...
I've been clean now for just over 2yrs. My partner ended up leaving us...as far as I know she's still fighting her demons... so we moved back to the province where this all started, to be closer to my family...Now it is a battle everyday to not use again. I've seen people we used to party with or sell too...and I keep walking like I don't even know them...I'm so SCARED to be near anyone that we assossiated with in the past or to come face to face with that drug again. Even to this day I still think about using now and again, usually when I'm really stressed or if I get triggered some how. Right now I'm working with another recovering addict to start up a Crystal Meth Anonyomous group here in the city we live in...there is only one other group and it is a whole province over from us...we NEED one here!
I'm hoping that I can help other recovering addicts by sharing my story and listening to theirs...and I hope that I have helped some of you as well...maybe given some hope to some...it can be done!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME and with a great deal of fighting but IT CAN BE DONE!! Thanks for hearing me out. Kellie, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, Jun 03, 2004
Is enough really enough?
Hi! I am 26 years old and I am from Atlanta. I have been using meth for 4 years. During high school my friends would blow pot smoke in my face because I would not try it. I had also been exposed to cocaine but never tried it. I was into sports, I was a majorette and a dancer. I have a mom that loves her kids more than anything in the world and I didn't want to let her down. She gave me and my brother anything we wanted and worked her butt off to do so. In 12th grade I finally started smoking a little pot but swore I would never snort anything up my nose. (I know we've all told ourselves that.) My freshman year of college I had my first experiance with X, only a 1/2 of a pill. Never touched it again until two years later - somewhere around the age of 21. Like everyone else, I now have trouble remembering much of my past. This is when I discovered "raves". I started taking pills every weekend, then acid, then cocaine (absolutely hated it though), then GHB, then METH. I dont have an addictive personality so the things I did I never got "addicted" to.
Like I said, I hated cocaine so when I started doing meth it was awsome. I never let drugs take controll of my life. I always kept my job and and did the things I was suspose to. I started doing meth and a quarter of a gram would last me all weekend with some left over if I wasn't sharing. I could stay up for three or four days and no one could even tell. I lost a lot of weight but was a little overweight to began with. I didn't look sick, I looked good. On top of that I worked at a gym and after recovering from my binges I would work out until the next one. I covered my use well. I met a guy through my circle of partying friends and him and I became best friends. We were best friends for 2 1/2 years and I gradually saw his life go down the drain.
He started selling meth, quit his job and stopped seeing his kids. July of 2003 him and I started dating. He moved into my apartment and my meth use grew. Smoking everyday. Since July there has probably been only a week time period that I havent smoked. It has been the worst relationship ever. By Sept, I made him move but we stayed together, using. I have let myself put up with things that I said I never would. I know the meth use has gotten to him worse than me. He constanly acusses me of lying and doing things I'm not. He verbally abuses me and has hit me once. I've seen him be a different person but the use has now gotten to him. And me.
I lost my job at the end of March partially due to meth. I had a good job but I feel that my use affected my job performance. I had never lost a job. I've always been promoted. Now, I feel I have to depend on him more. I moved in with my mom but mostly stay with him. I do nothing but sit in the house and smoke. I dont call or hang out with any of my old friends because I get accused of things and he gets mad. Luckily I do still play softball and volleybal which keeps my spirits up. It's the only thing I still do that I use to. Even still, everytime I play I feel the effects of meth. And now I am letting down my family.
They can't stand him because of some of the things hes done. My mom is telling me that I need to move out if I am going to continue to see him. She just found out she has something in her breast that may be cancer and I have not been here or even asked about her doctor's appointments .I wanted to be a role model for my nieces and now I'm hardley ever around. My family is everything to me. I love him and I know he can be a better person. I know that he wants to stop too. I am at an all time low in my life because of meth. My strong willed personality is getting weak. I actually found this website looking for info on pregnancy & meth use. I am not pregnant but a friend is. She is still using at 5 months. This is what the drug does to you. You can't stop. Eveyones stories have opened my eyes and I hope mine will open yours. Now I have to take the next step.I left my boyfriends in an argument today. I have had enough and want to stop... IS ENOUGH REALLY ENOUGH? yours truely, sketchin' in ATL, Princess, Atlanta, June 08, 2004
THE STORY OF HE
Once upon a time, there was a young man; that wanted nothing more than to simply understand. From time to time when drama began, He turned to She every time that He ran.
He thought that He was just one of the few; Who'd found an escape that nobody knew. When the problems were gone, you'd think He'd be fine, That's when He realized what He had really known all the time. He was fooling Himself, saying She's just there to help; Never saw Her for Her, just how He had felt. He made a commitment; one He didn't know He could make, now carved into stone, a fate almost impossible to break. He keeps Her around, but She really keeps Him, letting Her go feels like being torn limb from limb. She created a cell with no key, now locked from within, remembering back to better times, better times that have been. He put Himself on this path just by making Her His friend. Easing His pains, but creating more in the end. A.B. Jun 13, 2004
There is HOPE!
This is the first time I have ever been into your website that I didn't even know existed until now. I couldn't stop crying while reading some of the poetry. I myself am still struggling with the pain of my addiction. I am now 37 years old and still "aint got shit to show". I have 2 beautiful daughters ages 19 & 6. And I also have 2 beautiful Grandchildren whom I never get to see. My older daughter says she hates me and will never forgive me for all the pain I have put her through. I was a terrible Mom. It wasnt until she turned 5 or 6 years old that she realized that the white stuff I was shoving up my nose wasnt at all Mommy's medicine. I used on a daily basis. In front of her. I was also very phisically and mentally abusive with her. All the things that I read tonite was me... It was almost as though someone was writing a book about my life. to this day I carry around so much guilt and hatred towards myself. I see myself from time to time starting to be that evil, hateful person towards my 6 year old. But as soon as I feel myself going there, I have to walk out of the house. I dont ever want to put my 6 year old trough all the pain and misery like I did with the older one. Anyhow, I'm sorry. I just need someone to know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through from time to time. Thanks for listening! And as far as this website goes... It's one awesome thing! It lets people like myself, who are still in active addiction know that we are not alone. And that there is hope!! Lots of hope. Thank You! Wandeeez37, Chino, California, June 09, 2004
Blame my Sister
I was first introduced to ice from my older sister. I was 14 at the time, she was 16. I really didn't approve of my sister doing it but what can i do? Tell my mom? Yeah Right. You see some people don't understand that telling your parents that your hooked on ice or that someone you know is hooked is not easy. Sometimes that don't even help. It sometimes makes things worse than what they are. I'm not trying to say don't ever try to get help. I just think you should get help if you know you really need it. Anyways, well that night she introduced it to me I looked at her as if she was stupid, and simply said "no"!
As I saw her and my aunt smoke a boat one after another. I couldn't help to look at them and see them having a good time. So I finally decided to try it.
I tried it, and I liked it. So what do you know. I was waiting for my turn to get a hit. As days went on my sister my aunt and I we would smoke everyday. We never paid for it. We would always get it for free because of friends we've known ever since we were in diapers. Everytime we'd finish a boat we would fold the boat and stick it in a grocery bag and hide the bag under the mattress so my mom could not find it. I would always smoke before going to school, so it would keep me up and fully concentrated. As soon as I got home I would go straight to my room throw my pillows off my bed and sleep to the next day without eating.
My mom would always worry about me, but I would always get angry with her. I finally got caught when I got real sick from that stuff. I had escruciating pains in my stomach for 2 weeks. I couldn't stand up or anything, but I could stretch my arm out for that boat. When I smoked a boat I could stand up and walk around. It's like, that was my medicine.
My mom walked in my bedroom and saw me crying like a little baby in a bundle. She saw the bad shape I was in and hurried me to the hospital. The doctors found meth in my urine, and they had a long talk with me about the affects of meth. I really didn't care. I just nodded my head as if I cared. What happend was that the ice was eating the lining of my esophogus which caused the pain in my stomach. We didn't smoke for 8 months.
Then we started again. This time it wasn't no more foil paper it was glass tubes, and bad a** water bongs. I'm now 17. I'm not going to lie. I do it once in awhile, but I'm starting to slow down. I probably only smoke it once a month. I know that's bad, because believe it or not ice causes alot of problems. I have a very addicted boyfriend who started smoking it when he was 13, and now he's 17 turning 18. It's very hard for him to stop, but I have faith in God that he will stop him and I for good. Gabriela Jun 15, 2004
Love it and Hate it
Well it all started when I was 10. My friend came up to me and he was like, "Dude you gota try this shit." So, I (woooosh) zipped up a line of coke. Not knowing any thing about the magical powder. After that I was doing alright. I didn't need it or any thing. I was only doing a couple of lines every once in awhile.
Then when I was 11, I found a girl her name was Mary Jane and she opend up a door. I would fly through that door, day in and day out. Then I started doing mushrooms and I wanted to do acid, but f*ck know one sells the bitch. Then when I was 12 it all changed. I was introduced to meth - umm zip, spank, shit, zap, boom, etc. Call it what you will, it's all methamphetamine. Of course it was F*CKING GREAT. God I loved it more than life its self. I couldn't stop, and it was so easy for me to get.
I stopped doing coke and was just doing meth and pot. Then when I was 13. I started getting stupider and stupider about my habbits, and that's when my life turnd to shit. I couldn't live when I was sober. I just was thinking about a way to go get some shit. I tried quiting cold turkey, but I nearly f*cking died. I stopped smoking pot, and was using all my resources to get zip, until after like God knows how long of no sleep at all, I crashed, HARD!
I slept for 2 weeks straight without waking up once. My mom and Dad were on the verge of a mental breakdown. My girl friend was gone. I kept fucking up in school. I failed this year and fucking up with the cops. Man, I was just shit outa luck so to say. I know I'm 14 and I have been sober for umm a week or two, but God I'm going fucking insane. My parents tried sending me to get help a while ago at this "center" place that didn't work. God it feels like my mind is gone. Meth has eaten my mind and yet I still want it. Fuck, I still need it. I still some what love / hate it. I'm trying hard as it is to stay clean, but God I can barely think. So I am gone dead and broken and there's no way to fix me. Hallow and Broken, San Jose, California, Jun 17, 2004
Guilt is Tearing Me Apart
Let's see, God where do I begin? I'm a 37 year old female who has been using meth for 17 long years. When I first tried meth it was only a weekend kinda thing. Then after about 4 years into my addiction, my life started to become unmanagable. I was a single mother by this time, to a beautiful little girl who had become so terrified of me at times. I was a monster. I verbally & sometimes phisically abused her. I remember her trying to wake me up out of bed in the mornings to walk her to school and I would tell her to walk herself to school. She was only 5 at the time mind you, and there she would go, walking alone, sometimes in the rain. Even though her elementary school was 5 minutes from home. I should have been doing my part as a mother, to at least try tp get up and feed her breakfast.
She has turned into a beautiful woman. Now 19 years old with two kids of her own. She refuses to have a relationship with me. I don't get to see my grandchildren and that tears me up inside! She won't return any of my calls and tells me she can never find it in her heart to forgive me for all the pain, broken promises, and all the abuse that I gave her. I don't know what to do anymore.
So instead I use meth to cover up the pain. I want so bad to have a mother/daughter relationship with her. I miss her very much. If I could do things all over again. I would be the best mother I could ever be! I now have another daughter who just turned 6. Sometimes I find myself at times starting to verbally abuse her too, but I stop myself and walk out of the room.
I love that little girl dearly. She knows what mommy does. Ahe will ask me at times if I'm going to die and leave her soon. It breaks my heart. I need help. I will get clean one day and I will make up for all those lost years with my 19 year old because God wiil guide me through all these obstacles and he wil let me have time with her again - clean. Wanda, Chino, California Jun 18, 2004
Old School
I feel like such a dumb ass, but here I am 40 years old and once again fighting the cravings of meth. I was clean for 10 years, a long ass time and what the hell I was thinking when I picked it back up is beyond me. Two grown kids and alot of time and alot of failed relationships killed me. Now I am into meth once again going strong for three years and begging for a way out. My faith in God is very strong, but day in and day out I cry out for more. When does it stop?
Maybe never. Once a addict always a addict. So if you never have tried it, but was curious to know, DONT EVER START! It is the hardest drug to break away from and the shit you see and hear will be enough to send you over the edge. I am going to find my way out because I am to stubborn not to, but then again I was so stubborn that I thought i would be able to control it. I have a job of six years and I pay my bills on time and I do what is expected of me, but then when I go home. I lock myself in and get high alone (because now I am freaked out).
I wounder how this highly respected 40 year old women got lost again. Meth is that addictive and you can not control it. I want so bad to live again and have a normal life with my kids and not run everyone off. Maybe to late for me, but if you are young please hear me. Nothing is worth robbing you of every joy in your life. Isn't that what everyone wants - happiness? If a friend offers it to you and you have never done it. Run like hell and dont go back ever! No one has the answers, and every road seems miles long from here on out. At my age, I still hide and my family knows nothing of my addiction cause they all live in denial. My oldest child knows of my use and does not talk to or trust me at all. The shit makes you lie and not give a shit for the people you would die for ordinally. It is the devil himself believe me. Well, I hope like hell this helps one person stay off or get help, cause I am telling you, 10 years clean and now using three years again. It never stops calling you. Good luck to us all and God bless! Oldschool, Texas, Jun 22, 2004.
Very Lucky to Still Be Here
I really think that is a good site! I give you credit for bringing this out in the open so that people can see. I am 24 years old and when i was 15, I start using crank and I used it for 3 years until I met meth. The only thing that meth did was make my life go from bad to horrible. I didn't work. I didn't do anything. I finally woke up one morning and said screw it. I can't chase the bag around anymore. I still had the craving and every once in awhile I did it, but on June 16th I did it for the last time, it almost killed me. I suffred a massive heartattack, but now in my life. I have 2 children, so I had a lot more to lose! If I can tell anyone one thing it would be just don't start, cause you can't just do it once and it does nothing but destroy everything in it's path. I am very lucky to still be here. I hope that there are people who are as lucky as me. Jennifer H, Reno, NV, USA. Jun 25, 2004
Life Long Recovery
My husband was recently busted for manufacturing. We have two children. I am a recovered addict. This drug can(and WILL) ruin lives, it takes control of you. Now our lives will never be the same! And no matter what anyone says you never really get OVER it! There will always be some part of you that longs for the taste of it, and the feeling. When I ride down the road, sometimes I can smell it when people cut the grass. Or I can taste it when I smoke a cigarette. If you've never done it, STAY AWAY! I did meth for 6 years and now I will spend the rest of my life getting over it ( day by day). And I know that my family will never be the same again! Elizabeth, Jul 01, 2004
Ending Meth Addiction
My name is Alejandra and I'm 19. I began using meth at the age of 16. I was always on and off but after the death of a close friend, I felt I had nothing in live and began using it more often. But after doing this my boyfriend left me, so I had nobody to stop me and went three months without stopping. I did it everyday spending up to $160 a week. Doing this I began to turn into a stranger to my friends and family who loved me and were worried about the way I was acting and looking. In three moths I lost about 50lbs. and my face was looking horrible. During those three months I remember that only one meal stayed in me. My parents raised me to be good and never do drugs or get pregnant at least untill I got married and fo this reason they tried to cover up every sign that was showing in me. They never thougt I'd do such a thing and most likely I wouldnt have.
But since I was always around it at the beauty school I was going to. I was tempted to try it and fell for it. Thats were the long road to my nightmare began. After three months of doing it none stop my parents began to worry about my health and wondered more and more everyday about the way I was acting so my mother began to spy on me. She began to follow me everywere I was going and sadly found out the truth about her "Princess". Sadly she began to follow my every move and one night she sneaked outside and stood by my bedroom window. She waited and waited to see what I was doing in my room with the door locked. That when She seen me do everything her and my dad were hoping I wasn't doing. In tears she asked me why and being that I was all fucked up in the head. I blew up on her and my dad yelling at them. All I wanted was to die. Heartbroken they took away my car. Made me quite my job and took me the next day to the doctor.
Thank God it wasn't to late and there was still in time to change my life completely and looking at all the damage I had done to everyone aroung me I couldn't say no. From that day on I've gone one whole month without doing any meth. I know that for many of you that may not be a long time but to me it has because I had never done this in years. One month isn't a long time but the rest of my lfe is and thats how long I'm going to go without using meth or any other drugs. At first it seemed impossible but trust me its not. We need to understand that we control our mind and our mind doesn't control us so all we neeed is realy want it all to end and it can happen. Alejandra, CA, Jul 06, 2004
They call me T.
They call me T. It once was BIG to me and run with my crowd. Follow the path of life which is given they say, but wait - where did this BIG FUCKING WALL come from - can someone explain? Your sure that its temporary, you start to slack off, knowing in your head - I can clear it all up. Days become shorter, nights never end, at last your a Crytal Meth Head! Now what do I do, try and ignore, distance becomes longer only your self to ignore. What was so beautiful you say, standing in a empty house (apt), nothing is worth this - its time to move foward. Just remember from time to time, you will hear that special call - cyrstal is on your mind. From a friend in CA, to out there, hope you dont hear from that that BITCH in the end! Tony Moran, Paso Robles, CA, Jul 12, 2004
ADDICTIONS
I've done alot of drugs in my life but none has messed me up more then meth. When I had just turned 17 I started dating this guy who dealt weed and meth. After a couple weeks of dating him I became an ever day user as well. It started controlling my life. I dropped out of school, moved out of my house, and left all the good people in my life.I was smoking and snorting meth in high doses everyday. After months of this my body and mind couldn't take and I went crazy and came to my senses.
I broke up with my boyfriend, left the drugs, left town and I was unfortunately f*cked up for 3 months after I quit. I dealt with depression, being sucidial. I was scared to have any contact with anyone..... Anyways I figure after a year of being clean I could see my old friends and it would be easy to just say no...
Well I was wrong, and I relapsed. Now I came to the reaAlicetion that I have a problem and I need help! The addiction is there and always will be unless you have the mind and will power to defeat it and stay clean. Now at age 18, I'm going to NA meeting and keeping busy doing other thing such as playin ball. Krystal, Jul 13, 2004
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