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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Feb
    11

    Clean But Jonezin

    I have been clean for a lot of months and I am jonezin' so bad today that I am mentally strapping my body to a bed not to go out and get some. I have moved away from where I used to live as a tweaker freaker, but I know I live in the midst of all of it. Now I can tell who does it, and that sucks! I have managed to find a semi-successful job that I love and even a relationship that I know has the possibilities of a great future! Finding this website today helped me a lot. It reminded me of all the demons that aren't in my head right now. I used to see fake people, and hide in my own house, and I want to DO IT AGAIN? My body had sores, my face was a mess, I couldn't even speak a proper sentence, and I want to DO IT AGAIN?

    I almost got fired from STARBUCKS, (I quit so they wouldn't fire me!) and I want to DO IT AGAIN? I remember feeling like everyone who didn't do it was just so LAME. I lost a friend I loved for years, created relationships with people that I thought cared but they were just using me. It was like a really bad after school special. CRazzzzzy but that is what tweak does to you, it is the devil's advocate I think (provided I'm using that term properly). Here is an excerpt of how I felt a few weeks into being sober.

    Jan 18, 2003 "OK, so I have my good days and my bad day. It just comes and it just fucking goes looking for my creative monster inside, not finding it, all I'm finding is a bunch of bullshit. I can't free it, not real sure how to clean it up. Can't rhyme, can't breathe, can't quit eating, smoking, or feeling sorry for myself! It's beyond ridiculous, need some speed, but I can't DO that anymore! That's how I got here in the first place! Bored to freaking death of my new and old self entertain me world! What happened to the Mary fuckin' Poppins phase? When I first came down the world was a beautiful place but now I'm crabby and still have to deal with it oh I don't really want to tweak I just want to escape. I'm fat now and NO not PHAT, all i want is SUGAR and maybe a little human contact. I miss my friends! I have the most wonderful bunch of people that love me but they are not here! I understand that they are busy with their families and shit. I miss the ones I've lost though not healthy but I just can't get my mind off of it. Going to go TRY"

    Just wanted to share; now it's time for me to go home and not to snort, smoke, or inject a damn thing. Alien ACT! May God (or whomever you choose to believe in) bless everyone.

    Millicent B


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