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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Mar

    Death by Drug Overdose

    I just found out my good friend and longtime 'partner in crime' died on Saturday. She died of a drug overdose. I remember driving her to the rehab center not long ago. She was so wacked out she didn't know where she was. She only stayed a week before checking herself out. She was a kind and generous soul, always giving her friends things she had found and thought they'd like; and always there with a hug and an ear to listen. She was beautiful, inside and out. She was dogged all her life by drugs, but they never took away her basic decency and respect that she showed all people. I loved her. I will miss her so much. I know she is at peace now, free of the pain that filled so much of her life. Now I look at my other friends and wonder who will be next? Me? We all know that what we're doing is deadly. "If the addict doesn't stop the using, the using will eventually stop the addict." I am too much in shock to think deeply about that right now. Right now I only feel the empty place in my heart. I miss her. I will always love her. She is gone.

    Thank you all for your support and condolences. I am still numb, still suppressing my anguish and fear. I can feel my heart breaking with every thought of her. Even using doesn't help. How could it? It's what killed her. Sometimes I wish it were me instead. But now is not my time apparently, so I have no real choice but to go on fighting.

    I thought you all might want to know a bit more about that night. I don't have the entire story, but this is what I know so far.

    My friend's drugs of choice were crystal meth and GHB; but on the night she overdosed she was also apparently doing downers of some kind and probably drinking. Details are sketchy right now, since I wasn't there and the cops won't release any information until her next of kin are informed; so I've heard several versions of what happened from different sources. Knowing her, she was for sure on crystal, probably on GHB, possibly on benzos, and maybe on heroin as well. The only certainty is that whatever she did take proved fatal. Yes it was her own choice. No one forced her to take the drugs. She did it for many reasons, some known and some unknown; but I do know she was a tortured and unhappy person, beset by numerous trials and tribulations in her short life (she was 24).

    I don't think she meant to die, but I'm not sure she cared much either way. Her rampant drug use was an attempt to escape and feel good for at least a little while. I understand that perfectly we used together for those reasons. What hurts is that I could see it coming. She grew worse and worse and I knew she had to either get help or die. She tried to get help, but wasn't able to stick it out in rehab. She just kept losing weight, losing sleep, losing her appetite, and losing hope. You can't live like that, take a bunch of drugs every day, and survive long. I could see her fading away, her body and spirit both tortured and malnourished. I couldn't save her any more than I've been able to save myself.

    For those of you either on or contemplating doing crystal, I beg you to reconsider. If you are already using get help fast. I've been through rehab twice now, and it saved my life both times. I still use sometimes, but I use harm reduction techniques to stay relatively healthy and sane until I can quit for good. My friend's death is a wakeup call of the worst kind. May the goddess bless her spirit and save all those who suffer from abuse and addiction.

    This I pray. Blessed be.
    Sister Crystal

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