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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Feb

    I Made a Decision

    Hello, I just wanted to share my story, and that I have decided not to use meth any longer. I was and am now six years clean of cocaine and heroin, but I can say I never touched a needle at least...but last August, in 2002, I met a guy who became my boyfriend. He was, at the time, a month and a half clean. Me, I was on five years and I had never really done meth before, except twice when I was about 18 or 19 and I didn’t really like it much, so I never did it again. My BF was doing concrete making $23 an hour and he was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever met especially compared to my past relationships. Then, about a month or two into our relationship, he relapsed and I went down with him. It’s now going on the end of May and I just ended our relationship this morning. He was staying with me and my mom, and we were to get our own place. The landlord ended up kicking him out of the building and he is now on the streets with nowhere to go or live.

    A couple of weeks ago, I walked the streets with him for two days as I have a big heart and don’t like to see people suffer. And I had lived on the streets for two years when I was 13 until I was 15. At first it was OK to do the meth with him, there was lots of sex, but then if we weren’t having sex, we were always fighting... then about a month ago, it got to the point where he would get disillusioned (like him thinking he won the lotto, but he really didn’t) and that I was holding the money in different accounts, even all his friends told me they knew I never won anything.

    He threatened to kill me, and then the next minute he loves me. I still love him. He left me three times and went back to his ex-girlfriend. Then he comes back to me and everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I am at the point where I don’t know if what he says is real or not and I know that I don’t want to touch the stuff again because of how I see him when he is on it. I’m always having to defend myself and he is always calling me a liar, a cheater, and telling me that I’m against him, and out to get him, which makes me confused on how he feels about me. I have not touched meth for about five days now and I’m at the point where it just makes me sick because of how it makes him think. I didn’t think the way he did and I still trusted him. I understand the power of addiction, but how can you have love without trust?

    I talked to his ex this morning for about an hour, and found out about a whole bunch of lies he has told her and me and I told him to fuck off not to call me anymore and that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and that it was over. He called me later in the afternoon, but I wasn’t here, I was at the dentist. I found something else out, I have eight cavities and I can guess what that is from as I have never had that many, not even when I was doing crack. I brush regularly, but was disgusted. It’s really hard when you love someone to see them suffer. The relationship didn’t make me happy with the accusations all the time, but I want to be there for him. It’s so sad. I don’t crave the meth. I have asthma that I developed from crack and then it went away. The meth has made the asthma even worse, worse than it was with crack. All I can do is ask him if he wants to go to detox, or maybe, just let him go and avoid his calls. All his friends and family have turned their backs on him. I don’t know what else I can do.

    I am writing to get this off my mind because I can't talk to anybody about this because I break down. Every time I talk about it I seem to break down in tears. On June 23, 2002, I woke up and went downstairs. My friend had slept over and he was sleeping, but my brother was not where he had fallen asleep. I looked for him everywhere and his shoes were upstairs, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I went into his room, and it was totally silent, and I look up like right in the middle of his room and there he was. He had hung himself with his belt. The feeling that I had that day is still here today. My brother was into crank, (i.e. meth) and drank a lot and smoked a lot of marijuana. It all started when he started to get into debt because of this habit. He started to owe people money. They were pissed and were looking for him. He had owed them about two thousand dollars. These people would come over looking for him and asking us if we knew where he was and of course we weren’t going to tell them. They would call acting as different people, coming over at 3:00 in the morning and looking through the windows with flashlights. My brother was going to be moving out the next day.
    Thanks, J.

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