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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Jan

    I'm Just Like You

    I guess that I am like just about everyone that has their letters posted on your site. I am a meth addict I hate the way that sounds but it's the truth and it's time for me to stop hiding in the dark. My name is Sara, I am 22 and from Iowa. I used dope the first time when I was 15 I did about a quarter in one line and stayed up for 2 days it was the scariest and most horrible experience of my life. I wish that I would have paid more attention to that fact 3 years later when I smoked my first foil. I can honestly say (thank God for this) I never graduated to using needles, and I think that the only thing that stopped me from that was my fear of enjoying it too much. I did meth every other way possible though. I smoked it, snorted it, ate it, put it in my drinks, laced my weed with it, any way I could possibly do more. At the peak of my addiction, I was using over a quarter ounce a day and I can thank only God for the fact that I am still alive. I was staying up on 12-15 day binges with 2 or 3 hours of sleep once a week if I was lucky.

    Then one day, I didn't feel so invincible anymore and that was terrifying because I had been using daily for over 3 years and for what reasons? Because I thought that dope was my escape, it was my escape from my family, my friends, my life, but most importantly, myself. When I was on meth, I felt like the world was at my fingertips and the weirdest thing about that is that I didn't realize it made me feel that way until I got clean... When I was using daily, I didn't need a reason. I just knew that it would make me feel better because I have to have and it seemed that there was a limitless supply at my fingertips and why not?

    I'll tell you why not. I am now 22 years old and addicted to meth, the love of my life died last year. I lost the trailer we were buying together because I couldn't stand the sight of the place after Brad was gone. I lost my job because with him gone, the only thing I felt that I had left was dope. That was what we always did together when anything went wrong, so of course I turned to that when he was gone. I didn't know how to cope with the feelings of losing him. It was truly the first set of honest emotions that i had had in years. And of course after spending 3 years being numb, all of this pain, suffering, and emotion was too much for me to handle so what did I do? I started using more meth of course, because meth was the reason that he was dead but somehow my brain was still telling me that meth would make it all better and it did for a moment.

    I was 21 when Brad died. It was 2 months before my 22nd birthday, 2 days after my birthday a friend of mine blew up his lab an hour after I left there. I could have died and I didn't care, I just went and got more dope to make it not hurt so much. The feds got involved with that and so I changed groups of friends because I had never been involved that deeply. (Brad and I were dealers but never cooked) and the new friends I found were even worse. I moved in with a girl that was so addicted, she was having sex with different men to get free meth and I thought that was disgusting but it still didn't stop me from partying with her or send up any red flags that maybe this isn't someone I should be spending time around until the day I went to jail.

    I trusted someone that I would not have, if I had been sober. I probably would have never have spoken to her, and she now set me up with the cops for something that I didn't do. In my prolonged exposure to the drug world, it was implanted in my brain to never snitch and I didn't and I won't. The investigators know that I am not the one who committed the crime and they begged, pleaded, and threatened until they were blue in the face and I just kept telling them that I was exercising my right not to speak. I am now facing 2 felonies, 4 misdemeanors, and 18 years in prison. I am very lucky by some people's standards, with what they nailed me with; I could have been facing life. I feel that I am lucky in a way because even if I do get locked up, I have finally been set free.

    I am 25 days clean today and that is the longest I have gone without meth since I was 18 years old. My addiction was a life sentence and I just got paroled. I am experiencing feelings again, I have "normal" friends who don't want to just hang out and smoke foils all day. We go out and do things, we go to bars and play pool, we go bowling, we go for hikes in the woods, and too many other things to mention. Anyways my point is, I made a deal with the devil and he got my soul but I'm getting it back. I think this website is awesome; it makes me feel not so alone. I am sort of seeing someone now and he has never had the desire to try meth in his life and I often tell him that I envy him because I wish that I could say the same. He told me recently "not to walk where it's slippery" and I am now starting to understand what that means.

    Therapists and counselors tell you that if you want to quit meth you have to quit the crowd, you have to reinvent yourself and your life and when you are in the middle of your addiction, you can't stand that thought because the only people you want to spend time around are the people that you use with. But they are right; you will relapse again and again if you are around people that are using. I have a lot of regrets, some that I can do something about and 1 big one that I can never change. Brad was my best friend from the time that I was 12 years old until the time that he died. We let a little white powder change our friendship, our hearts, and our worlds. His 5 year old son doesn't have a father and I am left to try and keep his memory alive when I can barely stand to speak of him I suppose that in time it will get easier until then though, I will fight my demon and hope that learning to open up to people and tell my story will keep someone somewhere from ever taking that first hit and surrendering themselves to their own life sentence. Thanks for listening.


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