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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Feb
    07

    Recovering Addict's Thoughts

    Although I had been a cocaine and marijuana user for over 10 years, meth completely devastated my life in a little over 8 months. Losing 40 pounds and a family and a job was not the worst of it: at the end, I had lost my self-respect.

    Thanks to an intervention set up by my Mom, I have 41 days clean today! I went to a 30-day residential program, finished that, and am now residing in an SLE (sober living environment).

    I stay clean by working a 12-step program and going to NA meetings on a regular basis. I feel much better physically, and I am starting to examine the wreckage that I caused in my active addiction.

    I am 29 years old, with a wife and 2 daughters (4 yrs. twins). Drug use has destroyed the trust between my wife and I, and she filed for divorce already. Although that situation MAY change, I have to deal with that reality. I lost a good job in sales when I started using meth. I moved into my Mom's house and started using every day. I mostly snorted, but sometimes I smoked it too. Meth made me feel powerful and god-like; it made my emotions COMPLETELY numb, and that's what I thought I needed at the time. The problem was, meth made me numb to EVERYTHING. Literally, if I saw a child get hit by a car on the road while I was spun, I'd have shrugged my shoulders and not given it a second thought.

    At first I welcomed the sex, the craziness, the tweeking. After a while, I used by myself, sex was the LAST thing on my mind, and I was constantly paranoid and fearful. I had scabs all over my arms and legs from picking my skin. I could no longer even perform sexually. I was no longer using meth; it was using me.

    Meth is extremely tricky. It is hard to tell you're hooked until it has you. It stays in the body so long that the "feedback" is hard for the brain to read. Cocaine, for example, breaks down quickly in the body, so it's easy to tell that you have a problem. For the first months I did meth, I thought I was "fine". Actually, I came to believe that meth was a saving grace, a way for me to alleviate all worries and anxieties.

    I do not judge people at all. If you think you have a problem, there is a better way to live. NA and AA work for me; there are free meetings everywhere in the world. Meth is one of the most difficult drugs to kick because of the SEVERE psychological dependencies we addicts acquire for it. It is only through prayer and faith that my cravings are somewhat abated. I tried to quit on my own five times; every effort failed.

    I sense that we are in the grips of a meth nightmare. Here in California, meth is everywhere, and affects young and old, rich and poor. I, for one, have lost nearly all that is dear to me, and I am slowly and painfully re-building my life. I am lucky. Most meth addicts will not get treatment and may die from their addiction. Their children will suffer the most. Meth is clearly a HUGE problem, and I'm glad that this website exists to inform, in an objective way, users and non-users about this drug called crystal meth.

    Mark


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