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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Jan

    The Life of a Rockstar

    I've always been energetic since I was very young. I used to enjoy things like inline skating, wakeboarding, flying single engine planes, scuba diving, surfing, dirt bikes, tennis, and computers. I have never been able to get up in front of a large audience or approach a total stranger with ease, though. When I took my first tab of x at age 18, I felt all the scars from my past melt away. I have pain from being picked on and ridiculed for not fitting in. From my first pill, I felt confidence and well-being for the first time in my life. Of course next weekend I was out popping x. The club I used to go to became a second home, and the drugs became like food. I eventually got to the point where I was popping 10-20 pills a night, 3 times a week, or whenever I could (and loving every minute of it).

    At $20 a pill, this was starting to eat into my pocket, and while I make adequate money as a computer programmer, it was just not enough to support my habit. One night me and my friend got ahold of some crystal. From the first line I knew, without consciously realizing, that this drug can make my life enjoyable, and that I need it from now on. I found myself talking to people openly, aggressively moving on women, dancing (which I never used to do), living the life of a rock star. It was everything I ever wanted.

    Six months passed and I kept on using. Only by this time I was using at work to get my job done and talk to clients better, at home for making a boring time interesting, and at the club. There was a problem though... the affects were wearing off and I couldn't get that wonderful high every time I used the drug. A girl friend of mine knew someone who shot crystal regularly. So one day I got so frustrated that I wasn't getting the high off glass, that I grabbed one of her mom's diabetes syringes and filled it up the way her friend had told me about. I finally got that high back, but it was so much better.

    At that time, I loved crystal more than anything in the world. My life was deteriorating around me, like a house caving in, but I couldn't see it happening. My "friends" would steal drugs from me and lie to my face; I did the same thing back. There were fights and drama everywhere, but as long as I had my syringe everything was under control. I would load up non-stop for weeks on end and get maybe 2 hours of sleep during that time.

    Now 2 years had passes since my first x tab. The effects of shooting the crystal weren't really doing what they used to. Even when I was high I would get irritable unless the shit was really good. Then all of the sudden I got a sense of how I really was. I somehow found the ability to look at myself. I was a wreck. I had no money. I still had my job thankfully, because my cousin owns the business and lets me get away with anything there. But I had nothing else, no friends, none of the activities I used to enjoy, nothing.

    Now it is 2 1/2 years after my first x tab. I smoke pot on a regular basis just to get messed up enough to forget what I used to be. I don't have religion, a girlfriend, or even one friend other than my bong and memories. If I had a chance to go back and do everything over again, I would have skipped the drugs completely. Living like a rock star for 2 years (or 20) isn't worth living the rest of your life on the outside looking in. Because that's what it feels like, I hardly feel human anymore. Just a burnt out Joe with no spark left in his life. Meth is murder.

    On a happier note, I just got back from a vacation in Florida with my dad, who is helping me recover. I bumped into a girl that I had met when back when I was 14 years old. She is going to come up and visit me next month and I haven't touched the bong since I saw her. I am starting to feel a little different, like I am getting up out of my grave! There might be hope.

    Thanks, Ethan

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