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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Jan
    23

    The Pressures of Life and Meth Abuse

    My name is Mike and I’m 24 yrs. old. I live in Southern California. I have been reading your stories and almost feel relieved, that I am not the only one who is suffering from the demon of addiction. I must say I had no idea about what type of suffering, depression and hopelessness that would come from using shit (meth). I have been using drugs since I was 13 years old and like a lot of people it started with the innocent experimentation with weed. From the time I was 13 till about 18. I did a lot of drugs but managed not to ruin my life. I smoked weed, cigarettes, drank beer and during my 2 year rave phase and consumed a lot of acid (LSD). I would also experiment with ecstasy and magic mushrooms. Throughout all this I still managed to live a somewhat normal life, do decent in school and play sports.

    I grew up in a broken home, my Mother divorced my Father when she found out he was cheating on her and using cocaine. I also remember as a child seeing him abuse my mother physically. One Christmas eve he was arrested after beating up my step mom. He spent the weekend in jail while me, my bro, step bro and step mom (with a black eye) went to the movies. I tell you of this only because I believe it led me to do drugs. There was always something missing inside and hanging out with user friends, getting high and drunk always seemed to make me feel better. Still through all this, the thing I regret most was the day I tried speed for the first time!

    I've been off and on with using crystal for about 3 1/2 years. When I really think about all the bad things that have happened in my life it started when I began to use crystal meth. I've had episodes where I am pretty much strung out for a couple of months and manage to pull myself together and limit it to recreational use. There have also been times in this 3-4 year period where I have been clean from meth for 2-3 months at a time. As I look back at a time line. I can see that when I am using meth I completely self-destruct. I drop out of college, withdrawal from family, contemplate suicide, have mood swings and emotionally hurt others around me. I feel completely enslaved to my cravings. Nothing else matters to me other than getting more tweak. Yet no one seems to notice that I have a problem. I wish someone caught me. On the flip side when I'm off for a while I live up the potential God has given me. I get excellent grades in school, hold down good jobs, develop relationships and make good decisions about my future. But my addiction for meth has recently gotten worse.

    In April, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. a situation most would be happy about. I am happy about it, but the stress triggered something in me. I couldn't handle the thought of so much responsibility. It was natural for me to seek the same refuge I had always had since adolescence. My friends and drugs. My use of meth increased, and has since been out of control. For the first time, I feel completely controlled by it and like I have no say in how my life is run. It really scares me.

    I quit my job to look for a better one, but can't pass a drug test. Over the past 3 months. I've spent all my money on meth. I even pawned jewelry that was a gift from my Dad to get money for drugs. I tell my girlfriend to loan me money for gas and other living expenses so I can look for a job, but I just spend it on speed. This time it really has me on the hook. I don't care about anything else. I just want to stay at home and do it. I get the bugs crawling on you sensation. I've lost 20 pounds and I hardly sleep. The only thing that keeps me from going under is the thought of my first child. It gives me hope and reason to stop. I have a great girlfriend who's never done drugs. The problem is that she can't recognize that I do. I want to get better for them! I know life has more to offer.

    I'm sharing this so that people who haven't tried speed may think twice about using it after they see what it has done to so many of us. I am also sharing this so that addicts of meth can feel like they are not alone, and that other people are suffering just like they are. I pray to God that he gives me the strength to stop before I end up like some of the people I've read about. I don't want to lose it all. I've got too much to lose. Pray for me people and pray that one day the insanity known as tweaking will one day be tamed!

    P.S. I would really like my email to be posted, but I don't want it to be too long, so that you keep it off. However I have something I wrote while coming down about two years ago.

    I found this letter or emotional outburst on a piece of paper in one of my old school notebooks. I realize that for years, I have been suffering from the addiction of meth and have only been in denial and hiding it with brief periods of being clean. Here it is:

    " I just wish I could feel normal! I wish I could love normal, but all I do is run. I can't stand it anymore! I want out, out of my own head. I want to spend time with the people I love, but I can't. I can't do anything but hang out and get high. I want to stop, but when the high goes away, I forget how I felt when I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. What am I holding onto?

    The potential to shatter more dreams? To not be successful? To ruin relationships? I want to trust. I want to see my Grandmother. I want to hang out with my Dad, Brother, Mom and Nephew. I'm tired of blowing everybody off to kick it and get fucked up. I'm losing it! I'm not happy. Why won't the sun shine in my world? it could all be so beautiful. I want to live, feel and have emotions. I'm tired of bottling it all up. I used to be a person! Hello out there, I'm trapped in here! Somebody help me! I know I can be happy again. I'm tired of depending on drugs for happiness - it's not working. I wont be cool anymore. "No you won't!" I know this is not the plan for me. I was put here for another reason. Is it possible for people or objects to be put in your way to stop you from achieving your destiny? I just need help! I want to feel alive, but even as I write there are uncontrollable feelings that want more. I feel better now so I want more. I almost forget the frustration I just wrote of and now the thought of speed and alcohol linger in my head. Soon it will start all over again. welcome to my life.

    Mike


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