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Ask Michelle - Questions & Answers about Meth Addiction and Recovery

  • Dec

    How Do I Keep From Losing My Lover to Meth?

    Dear Michelle,

    I am unsure where to begin. I have been in a relationship for 3 years now. I love my fiance very much. He is a good man with a great work ethic and a kind heart. We only have one problem in our relationship.....his addiction. When we first got together, meth was not a factor. We moved back to his hometown and everything changed. He began using meth almost the instant we moved and his whole demeanor changed. He began cheating, something I never would have thought he'd do. He began staying out until all hours of the night. He never has any time for family or normal life because he is always chasing the next high. He has lost contact with his daughter and the once gentle calm reasonable man is now angry and aggressive and mean. He has quickly progressed from getting it and testing it for friends to smoking to shooting it at least 3 times a day. He hangs around and sleeps with all of these girls who are involved and makes excuses for why they are around. He is disrespectful to me and has no time for us but swears he is doing nothing wrong and doesn't see what he is doing to me. I have become very bitter and distrusting. I always think he is cheating and am resentful of the fact the life we once had together no longer exists. And yet I love him and can't leave. I am afraid every time he walks out the door that he will end up dead or in jail or leave me for some other girl that is ok with what he does. (As I have never done a single drug in my life) I am a constant nag and I don't like it but I don't know what else to do. I feel like by staying with him I am somehow enabling him but I feel if I leave I may miss out on the guy I used to know returning. What do I do? I don't know how to be there for him or help when I am so bitter about what he has done and become. He won't get help because he doesn't think his problem is any worse than a smoking or drinking problem....both of which he has as well. I am losing the man I love more every day and I don't know what to do. Please help.

    Meth is a seriously powerful destructive drug that not only takes hold of a person physically but also mentally. Meth use sadly completely changes a person from the inside out and is one of the hardest addictions to overcome. For some people, it only takes using meth one time for a person to become obsessed with using again. You're right, the only thing on a meth addicts mind is getting high, partially because they like the drug and how it makes them feel but also because they definitely don't feel 'good' and can't function without it.

    Meth use changes the way a person thinks, feels, and reacts and things that were of utmost importance at one time like family, relationships, and friends are unfortunately no longer important. Meth use does change a person's personality because the drug over-stimulates areas of the brain responsible for our emotions and users can become aggressive, irrational and often violent leaving the addict an 'empty shell' of who they once were.

    In many ways you are enabling him by staying but I understand when you love someone it's hard to 'let go'. Whether you stay in the relationship or not, the most important thing you can do is to get help for yourself. Addiction doesn't just affect the user, this disease affects everyone in the addicts life and in time they (you) become just as ill as they are in other ways though. Your personality begins to change, your self-esteem begins to decline, your emotional and physical health is affected and you're no longer the person you once were either.

    Our normal reaction out of love and fear is to nag, lecture, and argue with an addict because that's all we know how to do. Unfortunately this only makes the situation worse and the addict gets angry and defensive because of their denial and their already aggressive thinking and you become emotionally drained and exhausted. You can't make him change but you can help yourself and take control of how his meth use is affecting you. You need to seek guidance and support for yourself through counseling, or Nar-Anon Family Group Meetings or even by combining both. Sometimes seeking help and advice from your physician is also an important step in your own recovery.

    The fact that you're bitter is understandable and I know you're also afraid for him and your relationship but you have to receive help and support for yourself right now. Your fiances denial will continue to get worse until 'he's ready to receive treatment' but so will your relationship including your overall health. I wish there was an easy answer I could give you but sadly there isn't. You will be able to think much clearer once you receive the guidance and support you need right now. Sometimes when an addict see's their loved one's receiving guidance and support, they too will eventually seek treatment but that's not always the case. Let us know how you and your fiance are doing, and remember you deserve to be happy too.

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