Letters from Crystal Meth users - Page 1

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If you are struggling with addiction

My name is Carissa and I am a recovering meth addict. I guess I should start at the beginning of my life. I had a rough childhood. My earliest memories are of watching my older sister go through drug treatment and running away from home. I was always very scared for her and wanted to protect her. So early on in life I was educated about drugs. It didn't stop me from choosing to go down the same road. I started stealing alcohol from my friend's dad‚s fridge when I was 13. We would sneak across the field and drink some beers. I liked the feeling it gave me but more then that I liked that I was getting away with something that I knew was wrong. I drank occasionally until I got into high school and was friends with people who could drive. Then drinking became an every weekend event.

I was 16 when I first tried pot. I loved the way it made me feel. From that point on I drank every weekend and smoked weed everyday all day. I would smoke some in the morning before school and then at lunch go smoke in the bathrooms at the park and of course continue when I got home after school. Me and my 2 best friends did this day after day until we all graduated from school. In 1998 after graduation the 3 of us moved to Eastern Oregon, about 200 miles away from our families and all the supervision that we had. We all got jobs and moved into a 3 bedroom house in a nice neighborhood. Our house was the house that everyone came to party at.

Not long after moving in I met a girl and a guy who I knew used crank. I was curious mainly because I knew it made you lose weight and I felt like I was so fat. Looking back I was not fat...I wish I was that size again. So on September 7, 1998 one of my best friends and I left with them to try dope for the first time. I can't say I loved it the first line....I think it was the third line that night. After I was really high and stayed up 3 nights I started to come down. I felt horrible so I decided to start drinking. I got sick and the girl who I had gotten it from told me if I got more dope I would feel fine. There is where it began. I didn't take a second look back.

The friend that had tried it with me didn't do it often with me. I started staying gone all the time or I had lots of people in and out of the house while everyone else was sleeping. I lost weight and I felt great. But I was naive to the underworld of drugs and meth. I quickly became aware that not all people were to be trusted. Anyway, my 2 best friends decided that they wanted to move back home so they left. Shortly after I went home too. I was home sleeping and eating for 3 weeks but everyday I wanted to go back to Hermiston. I felt at home there, like I finally found my place in the world. I knew that I was doing what I was made to do...I was supposed to be a tweeker. It was what I was good at. So I made my way back to Hermiston and began my period of moving from one man's house to another. I gave my self respect and self away for a place to stay and a continuous supply of dope. When I got sick of that guy or the dope ran out I would move on to the next much older man.

During that time I had started getting these sores on my hands so I was always hiding them. A guy that I was hanging out with for a few weeks saw my hands and begged me to go back home and clean up. I never had sex with that guy and I guess for that I respected him so I went home, but not before I begged him to give me some dope so that I could get high again. He gave it to me and I took it to a friend's house and partied. I met this guy named Jeff that night. He was tweekin and so was I. We talked all night and I ended up sleeping with him that night. Sex had become somewhat meaningless at this time and I used it to either get what I wanted or as a way to try to make someone hopefully care about me. All it did was leave me feeling like crap about myself and used.

I did leave to go home the next day. I was supposed to stay for a week or so. It was Christmas time. I stayed 2 days before I called some guy to come get me. I made promises to the guy that I wanted to move in with him but when we got to Hermiston I had him drop me off at Jeff's house. I moved in with Jeff and his roommate. I soon found out that Jeff didn't do dope. He just smoked weed and so he didn't want me to do dope either. I tried to do what he asked. I smoked lots of weed and stayed in the house 24/7. I was afraid to leave because I knew I would go straight to the dope. Jeff had a great job and was very sweet and caring. I didn't like him all that much...I  was not deserving of a good guy. I liked them mean and troublemakers. I ended up getting high and telling him to take it or leave it.

He asked me to leave and I moved in with the couple across the apartment complex. I started getting high all the time again. In January, just 5 months after snorting crank for the first time, I shot up. Everything changed from that point on. I started stealing and lying. The couple I live with just snorted it so I would shoot up somewhere else then come home. Denise (the girl I lived with) told me one day that she wanted to try shooting up and so I had this guy do it for her. The very next day she kicked her husband out and had Mr. Dealer move in. She ended up overdosing, had a heart attack and a stroke. You would have thought that I would quit. Nope! I tried to do the same thing to myself because I felt so guilty about what happened to her. I was not happy anymore. I never once thought that it was because of the dope. I just ran from one bad situation to another bad situation; always trying to run away from my unhappiness. I was now down to 85 pounds. Carl (the guy that Denise kicked out) came back because Denise was in the hospital from the overdose. They were not sure she would ever be normal again. He asked me to leave with him. He didn't want me to be the next one in the hospital. I said yes but that I couldn't go to my moms because my arms were really messed up. I didn't want her to see me that way. I move to Lebanon which was not far from my mom and lived with Carl and his mom.

I was clean from crank but I couldn't get through the day without drinking beer. From the time we woke up we were drinking. I could not look at myself in the mirror. I saw someone who should have been in the hospital not Denise. She had 4 young boys who needed her. It was all my fault. I didn't cry about what I was feeling or about Denise unless I was all alone. I was in Lebanon for about 3 months. Denise got better and her and Carl got back together. He wanted me to live with them again but I could not look at her anymore. I ran right back to Hermiston. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I had a little over 1,000 dollars so I wasn't worried. I went to a guy‚s house that I knew I could score some dope at. That is where I met my daughter's father, Rob. I stayed there. Spent all my money on crank and was back to shooting up and stealing. As it turned out Rob was wanted in Umatilla so we went to my mom's house. I didn't have any connections so we just smoked weed. During this time was the first time Rob hit me. I don't know why I didn't leave him then.

I found out a friend of mine was doing crank so I had her hook me up and it started again. Not long after I found out I was pregnant. I continued to use and then my mom kicked us out. Well she kicked Rob out and I chose to go with him. At 11 weeks along I had a miscarriage. I had no feelings about it at all. I just kept getting high. We were homeless and strung out and eventually the cops caught up with us. Rob went to jail for the first of many many many times in the four years we were together. When he got out we moved to Eugene with my sister, who was selling and using heroin and I had found out that I was pregnant again. I had stayed clean while Rob was in jail because I knew he would beat my ass if I used without him. We moved and agreed to not do crank while I was pregnant. We were smoking weed and he was drinking a lot. I later found out that he was using heroin also but kept it from me because I would have left him immediately. Well staying off crank didn't last long. Rob started doing it again and I soon followed. Before I knew it I was bad off. My hair was falling out and I had stopped going to the doctor's after I found out I was having a girl. I asked and begged and cried for Rob to just stop. I knew that if it was around that I could not say no. I was having a breakdown. I use to put all the blame on him for my using while I was pregnant but I know I could have left the situation. The more I used the more I felt guilty and then the more I used. Finally in July the cops raided our house and arrested a lot of people from my house, Rob was one of them. I gave the rest of the dope away and left to my mom's house.

No one could even tell I was 7 months along. I slept and ate and gained weight quickly. Rob wanted me to move back to Hermiston because that‚s where he was in jail at. I did but I moved back home in the beginning of September. Also while we lived in Eugene the abuse that Rob put on me got very very bad. I almost died one time when he was choking me. I know part of what kept me with him was that I wanted my child to have a father unlike me. Once Rob got out again I had already had Destiny. But not long after he came back things got bad again. Eventually I told him to take care of his probation and then we could be together. He cheated on me and we broke up. He was not a father to Destiny. I was crushed but glad to start my life over. I moved to Albany and got a place for me and my baby girl. I was doing good for awhile. Then I met the wrong person and started hanging out with her. I didn't know she was doing ice. I quickly got back in it but only smoking it. Then I met another person and another person and I started slamming it again. My house got out of control. Destiny was 2 at this time. I was having my mom take her all the time or I was ignoring her the rest of the time. I lost my apartment and gave my mom my daughter. I went out on a binge and hated myself. I wanted my daughter but I wanted the drugs too. I was torn. One day I realized where I was and what I was giving up being there. I left and didn't go back, but I still thought that I could do dope. I got put in treatment classes three times a week due to Welfare giving me a UA. I also met a guy named David who was trying to stay clean. We ended up getting together and he moved in with me and Destiny. I graduated classes and got a job. I have been working there for over a year. I just recently had my 2 year anniversary with David and from being clean. My life is good. I can look at myself and not feel all the shame and guilt. I am working on making up on the time I lost with my daughter who is now 5. I hope that someone who is struggling with addiction can read these words and get some hope from it.

Gaining My Wings

One day I was sitting smoking my pipe, when I heard a voice say: "Lay it down." What will I do? I don't want to give up my wings, I can fly. But, it was all in my dreams. Feeling sick. Feeling weak. Even scared. But I kept puffing away at the crystal clear. I thought it was GOOD. I thought it was GREAT. I thought this would be my Crystal Fate. But I looked around, I could not fly. Than I asked myself: "WHY?" I had no reason to keep dreamin so I laid it down. I am 16 and GAINING MY WINGS to fly with the right crowd. Beverly

The Life of a Rockstar

I've always been energetic since I was very young. I used to enjoy things like inline skating, wakeboarding, flying single engine planes, scuba diving, surfing, dirtbikes, tennis, and computers. I have never been able to get up in front of a large audience or approach a total stranger with ease, though. When I took my first tab of x at age 18, I felt all the scars from my past melt away. I have pain from being picked on and ridiculed for not fitting in. From my first pill, I felt confidence and well-being for the first time in my life. Of course next weekend I was out popping x. The club I used to go to became a second home, and the drugs became like food. I eventually got to the point where I was popping 10-20 pills a night, 3 times a week, or whenever I could (and loving every minute of it).

At $20 a pill, this was starting to eat into my pocket, and while I make adequate money as a computer programmer, it was just not enough to support my habit. One night me and my friend got ahold of some crystal. From the first line I knew, without conciously realizing, that this drug can make my life enjoyable, and that I need it from now on. I found myself talking to people openly, aggressively moving on women, dancing (which I never used to do), living the life of a rockstar. It was everything I ever wanted.

Six months passed and I kept on using. Only by this time I was using at work to get my job done and talk to clients better, at home for making a boring time interesting, and at the club. There was a problem though... the affects were wearing off and I couldn't get that wonderful high everytime I used the drug. A girl friend of mine knew someone who shot crystal regularly. So one day I got so frustrated that I wasn't getting the high off glass, that I grabbed one of her moms diabetes syringes and filled it up the way her friend had told me about. I finally got that high back, but it was so much better.

At that time, I loved crystal more than anything in the world. My life was deteriorating around me, like a house caving in, but I couldn't see it happening. My "friends" would steal drugs from me and lie to my face, I did the same thing back. There were fights and drama everywhere, but as long as I had my syringe everything was under control. I would load up non-stop for weeks on end and get maybe 2 hours of sleep during that time.

Now 2 years had passes since my first x tab. The effects of shooting the crystal weren't really doing what they used to. Even when I was high I would get irritable unless the shit was really good. Then all of the sudden I got a sense of how I really was. I somehow found the ability to look at myself. I was a wreck. I had no money. I still had my job thankfully, because my cousin owns the buisness and lets me get away with anything there. But I had nothing else, no friends, none of the activities I used to enjoy, nothing.

Now it is 2 1/2 years after my first x tab. I smoke pot on a regular basis just to get messed up enough to forget what I used to be. I don't have religion, a girlfriend, or even one friend other than my bong and memories. If I had a chance to go back and do everything over again, I would have skipped the drugs completely. living like a rockstar for 2 years (or 20) isn't worth living the rest of your life on the outside looking in. Because thats what it feels like, I hardly feel human anymore. Just a burnt out joe with no spark left in his life. Meth is murder.

On a happier note, I just got back from a vacation in Florida with my dad, who is helping me recover. I bumped into a girl that I had met when back when I was 14 years old. She is going to come up and visit me next month and I havn't touched the bong since I saw her. I am starting to feel a little different, like I am getting up out of my grave! There might be hope.

Thanks, Ethan

Dear "Addiction"

You have "forever" been a part of my life. However, "forever" if that is your masquerade, I thought I had control of you since I'm older! Then I realized that maybe you were born first. Since "denial" is is your middle name; and if I would have known that "destroyed" was one of your last names, I don't believe I would have messed with you, or would I have? Since sometimes your A.K.A. is "competition" and you always knew I liked a good challenge, and in most challenges, I did come in first place! So new "competition" was welcome, because I was sure to win! I must say, you compete well. My hardest "competitor", so now I know I must throw in the towel. Not to be the looser, But the winner! You see "Addiction", although you've stayed in the lead of the race, you were not paying attention when I declared war! And this is the fight I will win! So come on with your "bad self" - the bets are my not getting high. L.S.

A tale from Down Under.

I guess I will start with the easy topics first. Albany is located on the western side of Australia. I live 400 kilometers south of a capital city by the name of Perth in West Australia. The drug scene here is made up of four categories. The first is the heroin addicts, which we have many of, just two weeks ago a shipment of about 10000 kgs of heroin was busted of the coast of Eastern Australia!! We have a very large population of Asian-Australians in my side of the country who import a lot of our drugs. The second categories are the 'ravers'. You know all the hallucinogens, most popular being ecstasy. However, in my part of the country we have a small area which is home to a very potent magic mushroom and it grows wild in huge amounts here. The third category is the 'pot heads', I think we have statistics like every one in three people of the general public smoke cannabis on a daily basis. The last but definitely not least category are the speed freaks or tweakers as you guys call them. The problem has become huge in my area. A lot of the clients I deal with on a daily basis are suffering the effects of psychosis, a big problem that we as service providers are having to deal with. I am sure you understand.

My role is to work with individual clients as a support for all the different stages of addiction, including; detox, rehab, staying clean, and when they are still using also. I do a lot of community based work, managing a program I have named 'Get A Grip'. It is a drug awareness program based on my personal experiences with drugs (which I will tell you about soon). It is also based on the research I have taken part in for the last eight months with clients and in conjunction also with actual physical/mental studies being done here on the permanent affects of amphetamine. Our organization is government funded.

Okay, now me personally? Well I am 23 years of age. I have been clean for 12 months now. Some of the work I have done I was still using drugs on the side, but, not anymore.

When I was a child, I had quite a traumatic up-bringing. Sexual, physical and mental abuse, you get the picture. When I was 10 I started smoking cannabis and drank alcohol on a weekly basis. I then graduated to solvents at the age of 12, whilst still smoking/drinking. When I was 13 I started also using acid/mushrooms on a weekly basis. I first tried speed/meth at 15 and loved it however at that stage I only used it as a recreational thing. At 16 I started on heroin and morphine and was hooked. I remained addicted until I turned 17. I went through many detoxes because I had found that I was pregnant, and made the choice to change my life. Six months into my pregnancy and after about 16 attempts, I finally did it. My mum dropped me off in the bush with all my camping gear for three weeks with no drugs.

I managed to stay off it and had my daughter, Amber. I was 18. When my daughter was three months old, some friends of mine asked me to take them to Perth, the drug capital of West Australia. They told me that they were buying a car. I had kept my nose clean and my daughters father agreed to let me go with them for a day trip.

So off we went. Got to the city, and to cut a long story short found out that we were actually going there to buy drugs. Nice mates huh? Anyway, so here was I trying to keep my nose clean and there was $8000.00 worth of drugs in my car. I had never injected amphetamines before and tried it. The first time I shot it I was addicted. Four months later my daughter was removed from my care by the court system here. She went to my mother and ex-partner.

I used speed everyday for 3.5 years. Imagine the walking time bomb I had turned into. The last 8 months of my run with amphetamine was the worst. My brain had become completely re-wired and I was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. I only ended up quitting because I had to (that's not to say I am extremely happy for that today). My sanity and my body just could not take it anymore. The last straw was 3.5 grams in a day. Apparently I collapsed, tried to stab my mother with a spear gun, trashed my house till there was nothing left and then woke up in hospital from a mini-stroke. My brain stem had formed a tiny clot in it, but it was enough to render me helpless for five days. Came out of hospital physically detoxed, but it was just the beginning. I have been in and out of the hospital since that day for physical and mental problems. More mental than anything however.

Here is a list of the things I have suffered because of the AMPHETAMINE USE ALONE!
• Psychosis
• Permanent nerve damage in my left side
• Paranoid delusions
• Violent outbursts leading to physical harm to myself and others
• Suicide attempts
• Manic-depression
• Schizophrenia
• Hepatitis C
• Loss of muscle control similar to that of Parkinsons Disease

Even today 12 months on I still suffer with massive anxiety, the nerve damage, Hepatitis and involuntary muscles spasms ALL due to the meth and none of the other drugs I have used. So you can have an understanding now of why I am willing to help anyone going through the same thing.

I hope that is enough for you except to say I am willing to answer any type of question people may want to ask. These days I do not even smoke cigarettes because it is not a good thing for my liver. I am only 23!! C.

The Girl from the Library

Once the girl from the library, quiet and sweet, now in love with a man who loves to tweak. When first I saw him with his bowl, holding it dearer than he holds me, I wanted to cry, until he looked into my eyes. He offered me a hit and I shook my head, he smiled at me and moved closer on the bed. 'I love you' he told me as I took my first breath, it was strong and made my hair tingle on my head. I smiled at him for about four hours as we smoked and smoked and I asked for more. he kept checking on me to make sure I was okay. I was flying. I was fine. He said he loved me so much that day. I was no dummy, I was in college, I had psych and in that class I learned exactly what we were doing to our brains. IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE. I still love this man, he loves me more than his bowl now. His pipe is gone, but when the chance comes up, we still hit it and rock the bowl. Now why is that?

Faith No More

A friend of mine had been using met and he offered me some one night when I was hanging out with him. Here in georgia we call it "shards", amonst other names. Anyway, I tried a small bump which led to line after line after line. It was only a matter of weeks before I became so terribly addicted to it. I started smoking it and doing "hot rails". I lost my job, got kicked out of my house and I was living out of my car in down town atlanta. I found ways to get it free and everyday. after a period of being up for about ten months (taking two hour cat naps maybe once a week) I was on my way to a friends house to get some clothes I was keeping there. Because I had been up for so long. I was incredibly tired while driving up there, meth wasn't even able to keep me awake enough at this point. I started fading in and out of sleep while driving on the express way in the late afternoon. finally I just passed out at the whhel and the next thing I knew, my car was spinning out of control. I flipped my car four times and the engine caught fire. Some stranger busted out my sun roof and pulled me out of my car. The fire dept put it out and i was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. As if that werent enough the cops found the small amount of meth I had in the car, but in georgia any amount is a felony. I went to jail a few days after I got out of the hospital and I was charged with failure to maintain lane and posession of meth amphetamine. I went through rehab at a local psychiatric hspital and lived htere for about 17 days. im now going to NA meetings and I am feeling so good today. Though doing meth numbed alot of bad shit going on with me it numbed the good too, and my brain is fnally detoxing and im enjoying life more than I ever thought I could without using shards all the damn time. next saturday i celebrate 30 days clean and get my orange chip.

but fuck meth, that shit about killed my ass!

Proud to be called Mommy

I'm almost 25 years old and my boys will be 6 and 2 in August. I was so in love with this man that I ignored the fact that I had a son and went out partying with this guy every day. I lost my job and everyone I loved who tried to warn me. A month after we were together we found out I was pregnant. Well, when I told him I could not go through with an abortion he freaked out and said he wasn't ready for this and I should've believed him and walked away then, but I didn't. I stayed with him trying to convince myself that eventually he would come around, and he did, for a while.

We moved into our own place and my son had his own room and they would go fishing and spend time bonding, but what I didn't want to see was the emotional abuse that was taking place. He would come home at three a.m. and wake us up “schitzing out” standing by the windows. By the time I was seven months pregnant, I had lost my job and he changed the locks and told me to leave.

Heartbroken and depressed, I had to move into a hotel with my mother. When I went into labor he actually showed up. He held his brand new son and called his friends to tell them that maybe this could be his own flesh and blood. About a month later we took a paternity test and proved to him that, indeed, he did have a child. He had quit smoking pot and doing coke and was only smoking ice. We would get a hotel room and get high, with our son in the room, and I would go home.. no sleep and irritable. That was only on the weekends.

I finally got my own apartment and he slowly moved his things in and the ice was never ending. Every once in awhile when I hadn't slept for days I would get very depressed and want to quit doing that and become normal like I once was. The cravings would make me crazy and he would tell me just to smoke a little bit so I'll feel better. It seemed like I was lost with no hope. My older son told me he didn't want me anymore and went to stay with my mother, so it was just the two of us with a one-year-old baby that spent most of his time watching movies and playing by himself. The only time I left the house was to go get groceries and diapers and I would rush back home for another hit. I knew I didn't want to live like that but he made me believe that I couldn't do anything about it. Even when he would hold me down and tell me "if I don't fight him, it won't hurt", I would just cry... that's all I could do.

I spent five months fighting this hopeless battle of never sleeping, eating, or being out in public. One day my sister decided to come in town for a visit and when she saw me she started crying and said I look like I was dead. I was very pale and had gone down to 90 lbs. and I had scabs all over my body from picking at my skin thinking I had some kind of bugs crawling on me. Thank God, she decided to stay with me and get him away. She had no idea what was really going on and why I looked like this. I didn't know how to tell her I was poisoning my body purposely. My moods swings and temper kept getting worse and she finally had enough and got in my face yelling about how I have become so cold-hearted and crazy.

It happened--I found a place to go for treatment and gave her the phone number and let it all out. What a relief that was... I spent two weeks in a treatment center without seeing anybody I knew and learning about what I was doing to myself. I was finding a person I never knew existed... sober and happy. My mother and sister got a place with us so I could work and go back to school to become someone that my boys can be proud to call "mommy." It was a long hard road, but I have come so far and I don't ever want to go back. I love to come home from work and have two little boys running to hug me... That's what life should be all about, not the nightmare I was living before. It takes a lot of strength to want to walk away and if I can do it I believe anyone can... Candie

From a Fifteen Year old Meth User

Hey. I'm 15 and I've been using meth for nine months. I'm addicted. I've been sober for about three weeks now, but not by choice. And it's been hell for me. I can't eat, sleep, think, or feel the right emotions at the right times. I didn't know what I was getting into and when I realized I was already to f**ked up. If dope wasn't so much fun at first it would be a lot easier. The saddest part to me, is that I can't remember the last nine months at all. I should have stopped when I realized that my thinking wasn't the same, but did I? No. Now I feel as though I can't have fun or be happy without dope. I love it when my pupils are huge and I'm all f**ked up. I don't know maybe I'm just f**ked up.

I just read a whole bunch of the letters and I can't tell you my story. I can't remember any of it. What made meth so appealing to me was that it made me not care about anything that was going on around me. I was quitting weed when I found speed, that was a stupid substitution. The craziest part is that I was going out with this guy when I first tried it back in September. He broke up with me because he said I was a "tweeker." At that time it was a lie. I had only tried it with him a few times and he was a heavy user (I didn't know it at the time). Then we got back together in March and we were spun every moment we were together. I wish I could say that our relationship wasn't based on dope, but reality is it was. I'm hoping I can find the strength and get through this because its killing me mentally. It’s a war I wish I would have never started, a road that does not need to be traveled anymore. I've found out that drugs are stronger to love to some people, to others love is drugs. Thanks for listening. Ashley

I Made a Decision

Hello, I just wanted to share my story, and that I have decided not to use meth any longer. I was and am now six years clean of cocaine and heroin, but I can say I never touched a needle at least...but last August, in 2002, I met a guy who became my boyfriend. He was, at the time, a month and a half clean. Me, I was on five years and I had never really done meth before, except twice when I was about 18 or 19 and I didn’t really like it much, so I never did it again. My BF was doing concrete making $23 an hour and he was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever met especially compared to my past relationships. Then, about a month or two into our relationship, he relapsed and I went down with him. It’s now going on the end of May and I just ended our relationship this morning. He was staying with me and my mom, and we were to get our own place. The landlord ended up kicking him out of the building and he is now on the streets with no where to go or live.

A couple of weeks ago, I walked the streets with him for two days as I have a big heart and don’t like to see people suffer. And I had lived on the streets for two years when I was 13 until I was 15. At first it was OK to do the meth with him, there was lots of sex, but then if we weren’t having sex, we were always fighting... then about a month ago, it got to the point where he would get disillusioned (like him thinking he won the lotto, but he really didn’t) and that I was holding the money in different accounts, even all his friends told me they knew I never won anything.

He threatened to kill me, then the next minute he loves me. I still love him. He left me three times and went back to his ex-girlfriend. Then he comes back to me and everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I am at the point where I don’t know if what he says is real or not and I know that I don’t want to touch the stuff again because of how I see him when he is on it. I’m always having to defend myself and he is always calling me a liar, a cheater, and telling me that I’m against him, and out to get him, which makes me confused on how he feels about me. I have not touched meth for about five days now and I’m at the point where it just makes me sick because of how it makes him think. I didn’t think the way he did and I still trusted him. I understand the power of addiction, but how can you have love without trust?

I talked to his ex this morning for about an hour, and found out about a whole bunch of lies he has told her and me and I told him to f**k off not to call me anymore and that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and that it was over. He called me later in the afternoon, but I wasn’t here, I was at the dentist. I found something else out, I have eight cavities and I can guess what that is from as I have never had that many, not even when I was doing crack. I brush regularly, but was disgusted. It’s really hard when you love someone to see them suffer. The relationship didn’t make me happy with the accusations all the time, but I want to be there for him. It’s so sad. I don’t crave the meth. I have asthma that I developed from crack and then it went away. The meth has made the asthma even worse, worse then it was with crack. All I can do is ask him if he wants to go to detox, or maybe, just let him go and avoid his calls. All his friends and family have turned their backs on him. I don’t know what else I can do.

I am writing to get this off my mind because I can't talk to anybody about this because I break down. Every time I talk about it I seem to break down in tears. On June 23, 2002, I woke up and went downstairs. My friend had slept over and he was sleeping, but my brother was not where he had fallen asleep. I looked for him everywhere and his shoes were upstairs, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I went into his room, and it was totally silent, and I look up like right in the middle of his room and there he was. He had hung himself with his belt. The feeling that I had that day is still here today. My brother was into crank, (i.e. meth) and drank a lot and smoked a lot of marijuana. It all started when he started to get into debt because of this habit. He started to owe people money. They were pissed and were looking for him. He had owed them about two thousand dollars. These people would come over looking for him and asking us if we knew where he was and of course we weren’t going to tell them. They would call acting as different people, coming over at 3:00 in the morning and looking through the windows with flashlights. My brother was going to be moving out the next day. Thanks, J.

15 year old Meth User

I am 15-years-old and have currently been addicted to meth for a year now. My boyfriend doesn’t know I still do it. I know I am addicted after reading these letters and felt that it would be a good thing if I told you my little story. I steal money from my mom all the time to get it and I've almost lost my best friend over it. We are both doing it and we know we are addicted but all we do is sit back and watch as we spend our life away. I come from a family with a drug addicted past and now I have carried it on. I want to clean up so much but am afraid of what I will loose without it. I am currently trying to get help but am not sure on how to. I feel that if I don’t soon I will be like all the rest. I want to grow up and have kids and I will break this addiction one way or another cause I have lost my mom to it I will not loose my love... ANONYMOUS

Former Crank User

I have been reading all of the letters and all I can say to help anyone is when you decide to get clean and stay clean----STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO DOES ANY KIND OF DRUGS!! Being around these kinds of people will inevitably cause a relapse! I have been clean for a little over a month and staying away from these people has been so hard. Especially when I get bored or someone comes over to the house... not only did I have to break up with "crystal". I had to break up with all those "friends" who welcomed her into their life . I hope and pray that I will stay clean and ultimately with God I KNOW that I can! I can honestly say this has been the hardest month of my life but I want a normal life. I have three children who deserve so much more than what they were getting! I want to find the person I used to be before crank. I want to be me again and, yes, believe it or not I would rather be fat than strung out like I was... I’ve gained 25 lbs. since I’ve been clean and I don’t care! I hope reading this has helped someone because I know just how hard it is... I was actually browsing the meth sites to find out how much longer I have to deal with these withdrawals and strong cravings, the article I read said the first three months are the hardest... One down and two more to go... just take it one day at a time and pray for the strength you will need and stay away from people and places where drugs are going to be. God bless! Alicia

Whatever you call it, I did it

This is my personal true story. I have been a meth addict. Some people call it crank. HBO did. I called it speed, dope, and crystal methamphetamine. I am 22-years-old. As of the moment I'm committing this to the written word, I am addicted to alcohol. Keep reading if you want to. I'm not a total idiot. Sometimes. But I am still alive. Which is saying something. Most people who use are dead before they make it to old. There are a few who live longer than you'd think they would. But most of us burn out too soon to live it up. I'm not entirely sure I'm lucky. All I know is, I'm alive. And I feel that I need to give warning. I knew nothing about drugs that prepared me to what could happen. And if I reach one single, solitary person by writing this, maybe I'll have made up for a tiny part of the evil I know I am part of still. Even though I've been clean, meth-free for a while now. It's destroying my brain still. It has caused me to do an incredible number of things no rational mind would consider doing. A mind altered by meth is no longer a rational mind. And to my dismay, to my fear, to my disappointment, and to my despair, neither is my mind.

I cannot trust the thoughts that come into my head. The choices I made abused the gifts I was given by birth. And if you understand that, you know the sorrow, hopelessness, the exhaustion and the total loss of life that comes about because of it. This was not supposed to sound depressing. Know this. Use meth, and nothing, nothing, not one solitary single thing that used to bring you pleasure, happiness, or even just a smile to your face will ever do so ever again. Use meth, and I won't dream of judging you for it. Use meth, and just know that you are consciously eradicating all that's good and pleasurable in your life forever. I won't even blame you for not listening to these words. I sure as hell didn't. I didn't want to. And I used pounds of the shit. At the end, I was smoking more cut than dope. My throat swelled up so that I couldn't breathe anymore. I had been "Up" for two weeks. And I knew I hated the chemicals that hit me with that crap. But that didn't and doesn't change the addiction, now does it? I want it everyday. Every f**king minute. No one can say different, without lying. That is just the way it deals. But sometimes hope will penetrate. And I hope to God that I can prevail. I am not without help. Like I said, I'm lucky, blessed, etc. I have two parents who love me, maybe even more than I love meth. I've got a boyfriend who says he loves me more than life itself. And I love him that much if not more. I have two sisters. I have a brother. I am the oldest and I fear wasting a single moment with them. But still I long for some everlasting dreamless sleep. Someplace that I'm not scared. Somewhere I am not 'less than'. I'm not finished with this yet. My attention span is. I'll continue soon. Jennifer

My Story

The first time I ever "used" - was when I was 16. I didn't "use" again until I was almost 20. I am now 23. I still can't figure out why I "used" after almost 4 years. I was a "Binger". I had 2 to 4 weeks in between "puddles". When I was "using" my daily intake was between 1 to 4 grams a day and some times even up to 6 or 7 grams. I usually smoked it, but I also snorted it. My binges lasted from 1 to 14 days. I eventually ended up in jail because of my habit. That is what told me I had a problem with Meth. I "used" once shortly after I got out; but now have a girlfriend who is trying to help me with this. I am helping with a youth support group that is being put together. I want to clean-up my life but it is hard.

Life is tough right now and stress is what started my binges. I need help but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't think I have strong cravings any more, just minor urges to "use" again. My girlfriend is trying very had to help but she doesn't know much about Meth. Two nights ago I told her about this web site she said she went though the whole site. She said it helped her understand more about Meth. (Thank-you very much) Alot of people say that talking about it is a "trigger" I think it is true but talking helps me. I'm not the type to ask for help, so it makes my recovery hard. I don't ever want to use again. For the first time, I have realized that there is more to life than drugs and partying. Please help me to stay clean. Any suggestions to help me are are greatly appreciated. Thank-you for creating this web site it has helped a lot and I hope it will continue to help me and others to a clean life and staying clean. Edmonton

Dear Readers,

My name is Mike and I’m 24 yrs old. I live in Southern California. I have been reading your stories and almost feel relieved, that I am not the only one who is suffering from the demon of addiction. I must say I had no idea about what type of suffering, depression and hopelessness that would come from using shit (meth). I have been using drugs since I was 13 years old and like a lot of people it started with the innocent experimentation with weed. From the time I was 13 till about 18. I did a lot of drugs but managed not to ruin my life. I smoked weed, cigarettes, drank beer and during my 2 year rave phase and consumed a lot of acid (LSD). I would also experiment with ecstasy and magic mushrooms. Throughout all this I still managed to live a somewhat normal life, do decent in school and play sports.

I grew up in a broken home, my Mother divorced my Father when she found out he was cheating on her and using cocaine. I also remember as a child seeing him abuse my mother physically. One Christmas eve he was arrested after beating up my step mom. He spent the weekend in jail while me, my bro, step bro and step mom (with a black eye) went to the movies. I tell you of this only because I believe it led me to do drugs. There was always something missing inside and hanging out with user friends, getting high and drunk always seemed to make me feel better. Still through all this, the thing I regret most was the day I tried speed for the first time!

I've been off and on with using crystal for about 3 1/2 years. When I really think about it all the bad things that have happened in my life. It started when I began to use crystal meth. I've had episodes where I am pretty much strung out for a couple of months and manage to pull myself together and limit it to recreational use. There have also been times in this 3-4 year period where I have been clean from meth for 2-3 months at a time. As I look back at a time line. I can see that when I am using meth I completely self destruct. I drop out of college, withdrawal from family, contemplate suicide, have mood swings and emotionally hurt others around me. I feel completely enslaved to my cravings. Nothing else matters to to me other than getting more tweak. Yet no one seems to notice that I have a problem. I wish someone caught me. On the flip side when I'm off for a while I live up the potential God has given me. I get excellent grades in school, hold down good jobs, develop relationships and make good decisions about my future. But my addiction for meth has recently gotten worse.

In April, I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. a situation most would be happy about. I am happy about it, but the stress triggered something in me. I couldn't handle the thought of so much responsibility. It was natural for me to seek the same refuge I had always had since adolescence. My friends and drugs. My use of meth increased, and has since been out of control. For the first time, I feel completely controlled by it and like I have no say in how my life is run. It really scares me.

I quit my job to look for a better one, but cant pass a drug test. Over the past 3 months. I've spent all my money on meth. I even pawned jewelry that was a gift from my Dad to get money for drugs. I tell my girlfriend to loan me money for gas and other living expenses so I can look for a job, but I just spend it on speed. This time it really has me on the hook. I don't care about anything else. I just want to stay at home and do it. I get the bugs crawling on you sensation. I've lost 20 pounds and I hardly sleep. The only thing that keeps me from going under is the thought of my first child. It gives me hope and reason to stop. I have a great girlfriend who's never done drugs. The problem is that she can't recognize that I do. I want to get better for them! I know life has more to offer.

I'm sharing this so that people who haven't tried speed may think twice about using it after they see what it has done to so many of us. I am also sharing this so that addicts of meth can feel like they are not alone, and that other people are suffering just like they are. I pray to God that he gives me the strength to stop before I end up like some of the people I've read about. I don't want to loose it all. I've got too much to loose. Pray for me people and pray that one day the insanity known as tweaking will one day be tamed! Mike

P.S. I would really like my email to be posted, but I don't want it to be too long, so that you keep it off. However I have something I wrote while coming down about two years ago.

I found this letter or emotional outburst on a piece of paper in one of my old school notebooks. I realize that for years, I have been suffering from the addiction of meth and have only been in denial and hiding it with brief periods of being clean. Here it is:

" I just wish I could feel normal! I wish I could love normal, but all I do is run. I can't stand it anymore! I want out, out of my own head. I want to spend time with the people I love, but I can't. I can't do anything but hang out and get high. I want to stop, but when the high goes away, I forget how I felt when I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. What am I holding onto?

The potential to shatter more dreams? To not be successful? To ruin relationships? I want to trust. I want to see my Grandmother. I want to hang out with my Dad, Brother, Mom and Nephew. I'm tired of blowing everybody off to kick it and get fucked up. I'm losing it! I'm not happy. Why won't the sun shine in my world? it could all be so beautiful. I want to live, feel and have emotions. I'm tired of bottling it all up. I used to be a person! Hello out there, I'm trapped in here! Somebody help me! I know I can be happy again. I'm tired of depending on drugs for happiness - it's not working. I wont be cool anymore. "No you won't!" I know this is not the plan for me. I was put here for another reason. Is it possible for people or objects to be put in your way to stop you from achieving your destiny? I just need help! I want to feel alive, but even as I write there are uncontrollable feelings that want more. I feel better now so I want more. I almost forget the frustration I just wrote of and now the thought of speed and alcohol linger in my head. Soon it will start all over again. welcome to my life.

Calcium Supplements

I was a regular poster to the meth board for about for a year and a half, and like T. I needed a break from thinking about meth, it really got to me. Since I have been clean for nine months, besides the three heart attacks I suffered while using, I have developed a new medical condition called Drug Induced Osteoperosis. It is caused by Meth absorbing calcium, it is why so many meth addicts loose their teeth. I was an especially heavy user who snorted or smoked 1/4 an ounce a day of pure glass. I am in extreme pain every second of the day, some days are better than others, some days I cannot walk at all. My pelvis and hips, spine, and shoulders are greatly deteriorated. I am not an 80 year old woman, but a 24 year old man. The condition is reversible, but please if you are using or do not use anymore it is a good idea to start taking 2 x 600 miligrams of calcium a day just to keep yourself healthy, so once you quit you do not get my agonizingly painful bone disorder. Take care, as always, D.

My Friend is Dead

I just found out my good friend and long time 'partner in crime' died on Saturday. She died of a drug overdose. I remember driving her to the rehab centre not long ago. She was so wacked out she didn't know where she was. She only stayed a week before checking herself out. She was a kind and generous soul, always giving her friends things she had found and thought they'd like; and always there with a hug and an ear to listen. She was beautiful, inside and out. She was dogged all her life by drugs, but they never took away her basic decency and respect that she showed all people. I loved her. I will miss her so much. I know she is at peace now, free of the pain that filled so much of her life. Now I look at my other friends and wonder - who will be next? Me? We all know that what we're doing is deadly. "If the addict doesn't stop the using, the using will eventually stop the addict." I am too much in shock to think deeply about that right now. Right now I only feel the empty place in my heart. I miss her. I will always love her. She is gone...

Thank you all for your support and condolences. I am still numb, still suppressing my anguish and fear. I can feel my heart breaking with every thought of her. Even using doesn't help. How could it? It's what killed her. Sometimes I wish it were me instead. But now is not my time apparently, so I have no real choice but to go on fighting.

I thought you all might want to know a bit more about that night. I don't have all the story, but this is what I know so far.

My friend's drugs of choice were crystal meth and GHB; but on the night she overdosed she was also apparently doing downers of some kind and probably drinking. Details are sketchy right now, since I wasn't there and the cops won't release any information until her next of kin are informed; so I've heard several versions of what happened from different sources. Knowing her, she was for sure on crystal, probably on GHB, possibly on benzos, and maybe on heroin as well. The only certainty is that whatever she did take proved fatal. Yes it was her own choice. No one forced her to take the drugs. She did it for many reasons, some known and some unknown; but I do know she was a tortured and unhappy person, beset by numerous trials and tribulations in her short life (she was 24).

I don't think she meant to die, but I'm not sure she cared much either way. Her rampant drug use was an attempt to escape and feel good for at least a little while. I understand that perfectly - we used together for those reasons. What hurts is that I could see it coming. She grew worse and worse, and I knew she had to either get help or die. She tried to get help, but wasn't able to stick it out in rehab. She just kept losing weight, losing sleep, losing her appetite, and losing hope. You can't live like that, take a bunch of drugs everyday, and survive long. I could see her fading away, her body and spirit both tortured and malnourished. I couldn't save her any more than I've been able to save myself.

For those of you either on or contemplating doing crystal, I beg you to reconsider. If you are already using get help fast. I've been through rehab twice now, and it saved my life both times. I still use sometimes, but I use harm reduction techniques to stay relatively healthy and sane until I can quit for good. My friend's death is a wake up call of the worst kind. May the goddess bless her spirit and save all those who suffer from abuse and addiction. This I pray. Blessed be. Sister Crystal

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