Stories with Photos 1

Absolute Sweetie

Here is the whole story.  I also have included some pictures... Thank you for taking the time to read it. I really hope my story helps at least one other person. It is such a sad life to live.  The first two pictures are me in active addiction and the last one, is of me now.

Hi, my name is Yvonne and I am 32 years old. I am a recovering meth and tylenol with codiene addict. I am not sure where to start, so I will tell you a bit about the very beginning. I was abused physically, sexually and emotionally all by different family members. I started drinking and smoking pot at 13 and continued until about 28. I started smoking crack when I was 17, after I met the father of my children. He was a crack addict and I did it with him for about a year until I got scared by a dream I had. A drug dream and I remember thinking, I don't ever want to live without it, that scared me enough to stop.

About a month later, I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. I was just 18, with a very abusive man, and scared to death. I thought that if I loved him enough... I could change him-hahahaha! I had our daughter and then had our son 15 months later. I did smoke crack a few more times over the years. I stayed with him for 11 years before I had enough guts and determination to stay away. I was dead set against drugs. I lived with a crack head for 11 years and he put me through hell with his addiction. I didn't have anything to do with people who did drugs.

Then I met the man who would change everything. Show me what it was really like to be loved and how I deserve to be treated. I had a really really bad childhood that for the most of, I cannot remember. I have had 15 years of therapy to get to where I am today. I never knew what happiness felt like till I met Tyler. He changed it all. He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I have never felt so loved, beautiful or special. But of course, he had his problems too.

He drank to much and when he did. He would flirt and or cheat. So needless to say... my world came crashing down. Then we started having money problems, and started fighting. I was having trouble finding a job and decided to go to school. ( I had dropped out at 14) I went to college to become a legal secretary. I was attending college with my best friend of 14 years. She was known to use drugs..but hid it from me for the most part. I loved her more than life itself... She was more than my best friend. More than my sister... We had some weird bond that I cannot explain or compare anything to.

One day on our way home from school. She asked me to try meth. I had taken an ativan ( a anti-anxiety pill ) and it lowered my guard... and I said yes. I didn't really feel anything. it was weird. Tyler and I went to her house over the weekend to party a bit and I got him to try it too. Then a few days later I got the stomach flu really really bad where I ended up going to the hospital because I had stomach cramps so bad I thought I was gonna die!

I phoned my girfriend and asked her to bring me some meth, so I could clean up my house and stuff. We had 3 kids all together (Tyler and I) and he worked alot. She did that... and I was a goner from that point on. Tyler and I fought more and more. I was lying and stealing from him or us. I would disappear for hours at a time. Then the fights got so bad.. .he told me to get out and he turned just nasty on me. I was packing and trying to move out.

Then I caught him in bed with someone. That is a long story but we were both set up on that. That completely devestated me. I have never been or felt so hurt in my entire life. I cried for 3 weeks straight and could not function at all. I dropped out of school... Moved out of my house by myself... No one helped me at all. I moved in with the mother of my step daughter. Tyler's ex. who I had befriended. She has many many issues herself. That I was not aware of. She still loved Tyler (she is the one who made sure I caught him in bed with the other girl) she caused alot of fights between us. Lying to me about what he was saying, hurting me. She was a recovering addict (meth), but she started using right before I moved in. Up until then, I denied using to her. She was a nightmare to live with. She had 2 children that I was raising. She was not capable. Hiding in the bedroom for days.

I moved next door. The building next door. Her kids were still always at my house. I did not mind, as I loved them. She was really fucked up though. I mean really, hallucinating, paranoid, delerious. The ministry came and took her kids, and she turned on me! She made up lies. She told anyone who would listen, lies about me and I spent months proving myself. Some truth some lies.

I always kept my head on straight. I never smoked it. Never saw things that I thought were real. Don't get me wrong. I was doing alot of damage to myself and my children. But it was just beginning. Just before that, I found out my best friend has lukemia, and she was pregnant. They cannot cure her, and she will die. They just don't know when. Honestly. I still don't think I have dealt with that. I had the ministry for children in families in my life now because of my other friend (Tylers ex). But I had them fooled. Actually at one point. They thought I had narcolepsy because I would just nod off in the middle of a conversation. Little did they know. I had been up for 3 or 4 or 5 days and that was why. I had managed to pass the drug tests they had asked.

Life was becoming worse though. I had people in my apartment that should not be there. My kids were seeing things they should not have to see. They knew I would be up for days. I would sleep in my computer chair. Never in my bed. I could not sleep in my bed. I wanted Tyler there and I would just lie there dwelling on him. So why bother. I would just pass out when I could no longer stay awake in my chair.

My daughter who was 13 would search the apartment upside down for my drugs and when she would find them. She would confront me, mad as hell. I couldn't deny it. Tyler and I would get back together. I would try to quit, or say I was, but he would find the drugs and leave again. I have never been a liar. To scared and embarrassed to get caught. I became a very good liar, and a good thief. I would lie, steal and manipulate to get my drugs. I was always told, I am the sweetest person you could ever meet. The best friend you could ever have. Not a violent person at all. I became one. I became very aggressive. To Tyler and to my daughter who is what they call spirited. lol meaning very strong minded.

I hated who I had become. I was so ashamed of myself. I hated my life. Hated myself. I was everything I hated and nothing that I liked. I ended up moving out of my apartment due to a conflict with another tenant who was making my life hell. I was planning on going to a treatment center from there. Tyler was back, but I was a mess. A lost little girl who didn't know what to do.

Moving day came and I couldn't do anything. I had no money. He gotten a truck. Gotten people and moved all my stuff back into his house. I was making plans for the treatment center when the ministry said I could not be at his house around his daughter who he had gotten custody of. I didn't know what to do. He was going to look after the kids while I was in the 60 day program. I was being told we could not be there. The kids could be there once I was in a center but not until then. We somehow managed to figure things out, and I went in on Nov 14 2004.

Tyler's drinking was still a problem though, and the ministry took his daughter and bullied me into signing mine over as well. I didn't have a choice, because I wanted and needed to finish my program. Entering that program and deciding to clean up was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I have been addicted to tylenol with codiene for 11 years. So learning to live straight was really new to me. Throughout the years with the father of my children, I suffered great depression and axiety and was diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder. Another name for post traumatic stress disorder. I took alot of Ativan, Xanax and Valuim and whatever else they tried to give me. I was addicted to valuim and ativan for many years but managed to get off those on my own.

This is the first time in my life I think I have ever been totally straight. My life was a huge mess. Lost my house, my kids, my relationship with Tyler was unknown. My best friend wasn't cleaning up. So I could not have anything to do with her, and basically I lost her 6 months later. I still have not talked to her and I miss her dearly. Tyler and I were living in a hotel above a very popular bar. So all you could hear was the music till 2 am 5 days a week. And it was just a room with a bed, dresser, and TV. Then a small bathroom with a tub that was too scary to sit in. We lasted a month and a half there. We stayed with a friend for a month but it was to far away to be able see my kids and keep my appts with things. We ended up in a tent in another friends back yard. Through pouring freezing rain and windy storms. We finally moved into a motor home in the front of the yard for awhile where it was warmer, but it had rats! Now I was really depressed. How can things keep getting worse when you are trying so hard to do the right thing?

I was never that bad off as an addict. Reality is though. I was, just in a different way. I have inner peace now. I didn't as an addict. I can look myself in the mirror and know I am a good and loving person. I can be proud of myself. I might have had a place to live and all the other things I wanted as an addict, but I couldn't look myself in the mirror and be proud of who I was or even what I was doing. I will never ever ever forget looking at my son right before I was to go to the treatment center, and telling him what I was planning saying: "I know I have not been a very good mother for the last year" and him looking at me with tears in his eyes, nodding his head in agreement.

Still makes me cry today, but I am glad, because it helps me stay clean on those hard days. They had to pay the biggest price and they did not choose me for a mother or to live in this world. I chose that for them, so the least I can do is make it as happy and peaceful and loving as I can for them. Choosing to clean up and staying clean is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is a struggle on a daily basis. I am the only person I know that has succeeded. I have read of others, but no one I know is still clean. Tyler is the only friend I have left and he has remained my best friend through all these years whether we are together or not. He is always there if I need him and for what ever I need. I am hoping to get my kids when school gets out. I will have been clean for almost 9 months by then. I am still trying to fix the damage I have done and pick up all the pieces of my broken life. One day at a time. Yvonne, May 4th, 2005

My Meth Story - Jennifer Romano - Mabank, TX

Hi, you will probably wonder why I am telling you my story. I always said, "When I decided to stop using speed, that I would tell my story to a million people, if that is what it would take to keep one person from ever touching or using any hard drug, especially speed." It has destroyed me! It cost me my marriage to my first love, a good relationship with my children, up to this point and I lost the trust of family and friends. It almost cost me the life of my youngest daughter.

I have been using crystal meth (SPEED) since February 1999. To some that might not be along time, but to me it is. I do not remember exactly when I started shooting it, but I am pretty sure it was only a few months after I did meth for my first time. I remember thinking - "Cool, a drug that only stays in your system for a few days." Up until then, I had only smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. I had only been smoking weed for a few months. I do know that in the following years, it was awful and things only got worse and never better. I was always paranoid that someone was watching me or trying to hurt me. Thinking I saw something that was never really there in the first place. I just swore something was lurking in the shadows. You can take a really nice person and put them on speed and they will completely turn into a monster. I know I have seen it happen to a few people I know.

I got with my husband (now ex-husband) Jr. in November of 1998. We had known each other since we were nine. He was my first love and my first everything. I remember thinking in high school "I would never do drugs", because they are bad for you and will hurt you, and was told they might even kill me. In elementary school I remember Isaiah Robertson coming to my school and talking to me about drugs and his life with drugs. I decided then that I would not touch them, because I did not want to end up like that. I remember what other members of my family went through and are still going through with my Uncle Eddy and his drug addictions. He would steal anything from anyone to get money for drugs. He did not even care who you are or what of yours he took from you. He even stole my piggy bank once to get drugs. He stole pain killers from his own mother (my Grandmother) before she passed away. She had MS and he stole her Morphine. I remember all the bad things my family would say and still say about him and the things he would do to support his addiction. Now, I wonder if they ever said or thought those things about ME!

I remember thinking "I never want to do drugs." Well, I did, and I liked them. From there it all went down hill. When Jr. and I first got together we lived with his mom. Then we moved in with my parents. We started doing hard drugs only when my husband and I would have the extra money to do it. We did cocaine and speed. And we still smoked weed. First we started snorting the hard drugs. Then, we smoked them off foil, out of a light bulb or even out of a glass pipe. Then I shot up my first time! I remember it like it was yesterday! Oh, the rush of it! The way it made me feel. OH BOY that is a feeling no one can forget! That sound of the "Train". Anyone who has shot Meth or Coke knows what I talking about. The feeling you get and it warms your body from head to toe. It is hard to explain. That taste in the back of the mouth. How you can feel it go though your body. We would even mix the two sometimes when we would shoot them. I believe that is called a speedball.

We got our first place together in February 1999. We had someone we knew to move in with us to help with the bills. That is also when we had our first „run in with the police in March of 1999. We kicked out the roommate because she wasn't helping with the bills or anything else. She got mad because we kicked her out and she called the cops and told them we were getting six pounds of speed delivered to our house that night. Anyone that knows anything about drugs knows that is a lot of drugs in one place at one time. The police showed up and we allowed them to search our house. They found a light bulb, roach clips and some prescription pondimum pills that were my mother's. At this time pondium had been taken off of the market because researchers found out that it could cause major heath problems. The pills got mixed up in my stuff when we moved out of my parent's house and into the house of our own. But, since the pills were my mother's pills and they were in my house, I got charged with possession of a controlled substance. We lost our place to live and moved in with his mother.

I found out on April 16, 1999, my 19th birthday, that I was pregnant. The hard drugs stopped for me right then and there. I only smoked weed during my pregnancy, but now I know that was just as bad as anything else was. In September 1999 I was put on probation for those pills. Imagine the looks I got going into court six months pregnant for possession of a controlled substance charge. I had my little girl in December 1999. I could not wait to do a "Bump." I remember that. After that next bump is when I wanted it real bad. All the time and as much as I could get. We moved out of my husband's family place in February 2000 and got a trailer of our own. We thought we were actually going to get somewhere in life this time. That is when we met our first famous "Dope Cook" and my husband became the runner for him. We took him everywhere he needed to go and in return we got "free dope" what a great deal we had going on, or at least that is what we thought! We actually married in March of 2000. For a wedding present our "dope cook" gave us two 8 balls of speed. Boy did we ever have fun that night! We lost our place to live in early May of 2000 because we used all the drugs he gave us instead of selling some to pay bills. We had to move in with my mom and step-dad again. We keep on doing the "running" for the cook for a few more months.

In June of 2000, I found out that I was pregnant again with our second child. I do remember I thought, "Oh, boy-- what are we going to do now?" We kept running him around for dope for my husband and money or what ever I needed for me since I was pregnant. I did not do any hard drugs for three months. Then my husband went to jail for six months in September of 2000. I started shooting up, while I was pregnant and he was locked away.

I still do not know to this day what possessed me to shoot speed while I was pregnant. But the past is the past and I can not change it. I just have to live with it and move on. In fact, the night I went in to labor I had shot some speed and I think that is what made me go into labor. She was born six weeks early on December 12th, 2000. I had meth in my system of course, but when they did the drug test on the baby and her placenta they found no traces of any drugs. What a miracle! She only had to spend two weeks in the hospital. And there was nothing wrong with her. They kept her because she could not keep her body weight. In the hospital CPS came in and gave her to my mom. I got her back in January 2001. I did not even stop after all that. I still kept using. Jr. got out of jail in March of 2001. And immediately we went back to doing speed together. CPS called me again in April 2001 because I was going to go to jail for violating my probation and they needed to place my children with someone (my Parents) other than my husband because he had been using too. CPS knew that we had been using together during those months. He got popped his first drug test a few days after I had to turn myself into jail. And he had to leave the house because he failed it, and then lied about taking the drugs.

I got out in June of 2001 and I did not get my kids back until July or August of 2001. When I got out I had to go get MY HUSBAND from a dope whores house. That was where I should have left him! But I didn't. Hind sight is 20/20 though. We moved into his mom's house together, without our kids. Another mistake I made. I should have stayed with my children at my parent's house. I have no clue what I was thinking. We got our kids back and kept on using METH. We moved out of his mom's house and into my parent's house in October of 2001. My ex-husband, Jr., got a job working not too far from the house. There is where he ran in to someone we both knew in high school. We found out that he smoked weed and speed also. After that we started hanging out with him and his wife. Gerry's wife, Lauren and I became best of friends. Lauren knew Gerry smoked weed, but she did not know he smoked speed. After awhile she was starting to suspect he was doing more than just weed. Gerry asked me to tell his wife he was doing speed and asked me to try to salvage his marriage. One weekend we went over there. Jr. and Gerry left to go find some dope and I told Lauren what Gerry was doing. She was very upset. This next part is where I went wrong, so very wrong! I told her she should try it. After many hours of talking about it, she did. She smoked out of a light bulb and off tin foil. She liked it! Now, I realize she was instantly hooked. We all hung out and partied. Then Gerry started shooting speed behind Lauren's back. Lauren was still only smoking it at this point.

I tried to kill myself in June of 2002, and CPS stepped back in my life AGAIN and took the girls away again. I spent three days in ICU. I had taken enough Ambien to kill 5 grown men. And on top of that I had taken a dozen Tylenol PM. When I got home from the hospital my husband and I continued to use drugs. In July 2002 we all got kicked out of his sister's place. We moved in with another "dope cook" we knew. We lost contact with Gerry and Lauren at this point. Boy, the things I learned while we lived there! I could never forget. Some of the people I met really SCARED ME! I learned never to look people in the eye that you do not know.

We lived there until September 2002. His mom came a rescued us. I thought my prayers have been answered. We moved out of there and in with his mom. We got our girls back shortly after we moved back in with his mom. When we got there he also wanted to go out and „hustle to get drugs. He wanted to hustle drugs to make money to get diapers for the girls rather than borrowing some money from my mom to get them. I left my husband on 15th of September-two days before his birthday. When one of our friends that just happened to be a major dope cook around here found out that I was quitting and that I had left Jr., he told everyone not to sell to me and not to even give me any. While we were separated. Jr. ran into Gerry and Lauren again. He and Gerry talked Lauren into trying the needle. I know this because she called me and told me all about it. And then she wanted me to come over and visit. I told her no I couldn't because I had decided that it wasn't a good idea to go over there. This is around the same time I relapsed in November of 2002 and I only did it one time, but that is all it takes. I went over to this person's house to show someone I knew what I was doing. He offered me a bump and I took. I went home and thought about what I had just done. And kicked myself in the butt for it! I did really well for awhile.

I relapsed in July 2003. It happened at Gerry and Lauren's house. I just went over there to say hi. I knew better than to go over there. I knew they were still using and I knew they were shooting it too. I think in the back of my head I wanted to relapse. I went over there thinking I was strong enough to say no if I had to. As it turns out, I wasn't. Surprise!! Went over there and started wanting it. I was even the one that mentioned getting some. We went and found it. I found someone who had some dope AND a brand new point (needle)! Oh boy, did I think I was in heaven! But I wasn't. My boyfriend at the time found out where I was and he knew I had a real bad past with METH. He knew what I was doing but I denied it for about 8 hours. He would call constantly. He wouldn't let me get off the phone and when he did he would call back 10 minutes later. I could not handle lying to him anymore. I told him the truth. He hung up the phone on me only after he called me a few more choice names.

About that time is when that "dope cook" friend of mine showed up over there. He found out I was back in the area and found out that I got drugs from someone and wanted to know who gave them to me. When I heard him holler my name I knew I was in trouble. OH BOY was I in trouble. He also had another friend with him. I tried to hide it from them by running down the hallway into my friend's room but it did not work. They both knew I was there and was hollering for me to come see them. I went back down the hallway and sat next to the one I knew the best. He asked to see my arms and I did not want to show him. I had marked up my arms pretty bad trying to find a vein. But I finally found it only after I made myself look like a pin cushion first. I did not want to show them to him because I was ashamed of what they looked like and the fact that I had relapsed again. He made me look at what I done to myself. Then he called my boyfriend and told him to come pick me up because I was too high to drive all the way back home. And he told him not to let me come back to that area for ANY reason and he told him to tell me that when I came down from my high. When my boyfriend came and got me I was scared he was going to yell and scream at me some more. But he just took me home. He did not yell at me or call me any bad names. He just helped me get ready for bed and held me all night.

Well my husband and I got a divorce in October 2003. I thought I had closed that chapter of my life for good. I stayed clean from meth until August of 2004. Yes, just a few months ago. I made it a year and thought everything was down hill from here. Boy was I ever wrong! A "dope cook" (my now ex-husband) got out of prison in July of 2004. I thought I could say no to it. But when it is right there in front of your face it is SO hard. I smoked it at first. Then I shot it AGAIN. I lied to my boyfriend about it and hid it from him for six weeks. I know I should not have done it. I knew before the needle even left my arm that I should not have done it. I have shot it twice since then. And smoked it a bunch of times. My new clean date is about a month ago. November 13 to be exact. Boy was that was a mistake to even TRY it again! I now battle those awful cravings to do it again. I don't crave it as much as I used to. I am scared they will become real bad again.

I also watched my boyfriend go from saying he hated needles and would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. Now he prefers shooting METH. It scares me. To see someone flip like that makes me realize just how powerful this drug is. I've already lost one man I loved to this evil drug. Now I am scared I am going to lose two. The place I live is referred to as Speeder Creek Lake in a really small town in Texas. Back in July, I had a really good friend of mine murdered because of this drug. It was the dope friend of mine that showed up at the house where I was when I relapsed in July of 2003. I have seen this drug do NOTHING but tear „my world and everyone else's world it touches apart. Meth will make your life a living hell. I do not think you can judge this drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I am not saying „go out and do it. Please do not do that. It only takes once. I have done the picking and left sores all over my body. I have had the suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I thought people were out to get me. I have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion. I never thought I would do this drug again. I guess the saying once an addict always an addict is true.

The biggest step is to ADMIT and ACCEPT you have a problem. From there it is all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC. Demon of choice and that is what it is. a choice. No one caused these relapses but me. Trust me; I have tried blaming a few people. I have chosen this drug over everyone, myself, my children, my parents, my lovers & my close friends, all of whom I have hurt in one way or another because of METH. One of the times my boyfriend and I were smoking METH, I was rude to a mutual friend of ours because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I was ashamed for people to see me like that. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I think the only person I am fooling is MYSELF! I know I am addicted. Now, all I have to do is BE more powerful than the drug. I really have to be strong, not only for myself but for my kids. I have also learned "never say forever" because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay clean and not use anymore. I just take it ONE day at a time. And look to God for answers. I am still adding and editing to this story of mine. I hope this will help who ever reads it.

I am now in a 12 step program. Which is helping me alot. It is alot of work to stay clean. There are days I just want to give up. But i can't and won't. Sometimes I have to live for the next five minutes. There are a few things that I have to remember and that is The one thing I have to change is everything. That means people places and things. I did not destory my life in one day, a month or even a year. So it is going to take time to put it back together. I am now back at home, AGAIN with my parents and I have my kids with me. I am not just someone you read about. I am a person. I have two little girls. I also have boyfriend that loves me and I love him very much. I have two sets of parents that love me. I also have lots of loving friends and a family that loves me too. I did not come from parents that were drug users. I did not live around it when I was a child. When I was a senior in high school I didn't even know what a joint was much less crystal meth! That was in March of 1998 and by December 1998 I was smoking weed. And well you just read the rest of the story. It's all history. Jennifer (TxTigger), Mabank, TEXAS, USA, Jan 18, 2005

My Daughter is a Meth Addict

My daughter is a meth addict, currently with over a month clean and in rehab. It has been a long hard road, and know it will be lifetime work for her. As a mother I always want to fix everything and make it better. It is so hard to let go, which is what we must do. I have to continually remind myself that "I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it." My daughter started having problems when she was 13. She had panic attacks, then depression, then started drinking and smoking pot. She was arrested and spent time in juvenile hall. She attempted suicide a few times. She went to a group home for over a year. It was suppose to be a rehab, but what a joke! It did help some, but mostly they kept her very medicated. How are you suppose to learn to deal with your feelings if you are not allowed to feel? Things went well for a while and then she started using meth. Once again our world came crashing down. We had to kick her out, then she moved in, then she left, then back, then out....etc. I told her she could stay if she was clean, otherwise she had to leave. She also had to be respectful of others in the house. So now she is in rehab. The story will never be over as she will always have to fight this awful drug. I have a website with more info if you are intersted: www.geocities.com/djmom11/ Dorothy aka djmom11, Montague, California, USA, Feb 12, 2005

Alexdee & Moose

Hello! I am Alexdee and I'm an addict (recovering). I'm 21 years old. I live with my Mother, Father, and 15 year old brother. I live in the San Gabriel Valley in California.

I teach a computer class to elementary school children at a summer day camp, and go to school full time. I'm finally getting my driver's license, which is a huge step for me.

I used meth since I was 17. I started out as a "recreational user", using only once every couple months. Then, last summer my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. It was devastating. I became really depressed and eventually I got a little wild. I started hanging out with all my using friends. I would get high every chance I got. I eventually started buying it every once in a while. I became really good friends with this girl who sold it, so it was pretty much free all the time. I got totally strung out, and obsessed with the weight loss. I got speed bumps really bad, and completely ruined my skin. I now have hundreds of scars all over my body from constantly scratching my itching skin. I lost so much weight, I looked really ill. My mom thought I was bulimic, the whole time I was using. Basically I had all the typical symptoms and side affects of a heavy meth user, the hallucinations and paranoia, the depression and hopelessness. Eventually I had a pretty huge wake up call and quit using. I have been clean for about 8 months. I am so proud of myself for getting away from that mess.

Moose is my boyfriend. He is also a recovering addict. His recovery hasn't been quite as smooth a ride as mine. While dealing with co-dependency issues. I realized how devastating meth and its affects can be. I want to try to help as many people as possible understand this tragic epidemic. My story was 4 pages long, and grouped into 3 parts. The last 2 parts have a lot to deal with Moose, so I've decided not to post them at this time. I just wanted to share a little about myself.

Angie in Cali

I started using when I was about 18 1/2 years old. It all started out really innocent. I didn't grow up around users. I grew up with my mom and step-dad and my younger brother (1 year younger). We had a very normal childhood. We all had dinner at the table every night together. My brother and I had to ask to be excused from the table, we had holidays with the family. My mom made us our Halloween costumes. My brother played little league and I was in the girl scouts. I was very shy growing up.

Around Jr. High, I started hanging out with this kids who drank. I hated the taste of alcohol, but I drank because it made me feel cool and just for a little while I didn't have to feel like I didn't fit in. I guess from being so shy, I just never felt like I measured up to everyone else.

In High school, I began smoking pot with my friends and I loved it. It made me laugh and I just feel in love with it. Around my 11th grade year, I lost all interst in school and hardly ever went. I began dedicating my life to drinking and smoking pot. All I ever wanted to do was have fun. I never realized all that time that I was always taking everything a step or two further then my friends. I ended up getting in trouble with the law, and getting kicked out of my parents house.

I was so young, 18. I was blonde haired and blue eyed and very innocent looking and I ended up living in a skid row type motel. However, it was all I could afford with my coffee house job. I was too stubborn to apologize to my step dad and ask to come home. I thought I had it all figured out. This is where I was introduced to speed and I loved it.

A friend of mine that I had met when I was 14 came to stay with me because he didn't want me staying there alone. I was having trouble and the relationship I had been in for the 2 1/2 years before all this was coming to an end. When my friends and I would do lines, I felt good. I was happy. I was numb. We'd stay up talking all nite. Slowly but surely as all these friends from childhood started seeing how bad things were getting and started going back home and getting back to living regular lives again.

All of a sudden I looked around and all the familiar faces I had known had been replaced by strangers. I was the only one who couldn't see what was happening. I was now totally and complelty left alone this young nieve girl from a decent family alone in the Meth/Drug world. And I was blind to it all. I was so Hooked, and it took me another 8 or so years before I would ever realize I had a problem.

I had ling since lost my coffee house job. I had been in jail 2 times already. I would constantly fight with my family when I would see them. They would tell me how horrible I looked and all I heard was them trying to Run my life.

Today I know what they were really telling me was, that they were worried about me. I was just so over taken by this drug. I COULD NOT HEAR ANYONE. I couldn't hear the pain and fear they had in their voices when they would point out the truth to me. All I heard was them trying to tell me what to do. All I heard was how wrong they were cuz I Knew I had things under control. After all I was just having a good time. I knew what I was doing.

After about a month or two of doing lines. I switched to smoking it and from there nothing was ever ever the same. When I had gotten evicted out of my motel room. I would sleep outside of the motel. When I ran out of friends to kick it with, I would go home. There were no drugs at home and I knew though at the time I didn't realize this was what I was doing. But I knew drugs were at the motel. I started stealing and scamming stores. I went to jail many many times. I did check scams and I would go months and months with out ever talking to or seeing my family. I would get in abusive relationships. But I never realized or thought about stopping.

I had friends killed behind this drug and still I would not stop. I did a year in jail and thought I'd stay clean once I got out. I did for about 6 months, and then it all started again. ONLY THIS TIME WORSE because my addiction had progressed. I began shooting up and my entire life revolved around getting a bag of dope. Shooting a bag of dope and then getting more. This went on for 3 years, with me only sobering up for about 90 days while I went to jail yet again. I was back home living with mom during this time and though she should have kicked me out from the very beginning, she didn't and I threw my horrible drug life right in my families faces. My brother, my mom, and I put my brothers 2 little girls in very bad situations.

I had tweekers crawling all over that house all hours of the night and day. I left my needles all over my room and other drug stuff too. My arms always had track marks all over them and I looked horrible. Finally when my mom and brother were getting rid of the house they told me they were moving and that I needed to go find my own place to live.

With no car and no money, no nothing. I was in real bad shape and my mom had tears in her eyes. I couldn't be mad. I knew I had pushed them this far, and it was my own doing. I had tried a few times to stay off the stuff and found that I couldn't. I just couldn't. I would be trying to will myself to not go and pick up more dope and somehow there I'd be spending my last dollar or your last dollar for more drugs.

It broke my heart, and it scared me. I knew I had everything to loose if I didn't stay clean. But I just couldn't. I had been arrested and was on prop 36 I knew I had to stay clean for that or I'd be going to jail. I couldn't stay clean. I knew my family would be through with me and I had promised them. I still couldn't stay clean. Not for my boyfriend. I just couldn't. It had me and what I didn't know is that it always had...

Prop 36 finally ordered me to do 90 days in rehab because I just couldn't manage to get to the classes and appointments. My Brother dropped me off at the Rehab and I didn't hear or see them again for a
few months. I have now been sober since 11/16/02 and my entire attitude and outlook upon life has changed.

That hole I had in my gut that made me feel like I didn't measure up is starting to be filled. I am becoming okay with Angie today. I got sober with the 12 step program and I truly feel blessed to be given a second chance at life. If I can get sober, anyone can.

Today I have a car (my brother gave it to me for xmas) and my brother is the one who really practiced tough love on me before I went to rehab. He was done with me. I have a full time job. I manage a sober living home from the rehab I went through. I sponsor girls. I am an active and participating part of my family.

All this didn't happen over night. It took a lot of work. One day at a time doing just what was in front of me and not worring about anything else. It took for me to realize my head and my ideas don't work. But recovery and a sober life are possible. Today I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank You. To all my friends here especially the mothers they have helped me realize just what I put my family through.

Beth, Andy & Angel

Part I

Hello, I'm Beth a 42-year-old Mom, Grandmother, Wife & anything else that follows under those categories. My family has always taken in all sorts of strays... kids, cats, dogs, goats, raccoons and now a meth addict! It has been an eye opening and learning experience for me. One that has and will make me a stronger and better person. Would I have chosen to help a young 21 year old young lady detox from meth at my home? Well NO! Would I do it again if the need were there? You bet I would.

We just began this rodeo so let me tell you neither I, nor my family is an expert in any way about this. Angel is in her 2nd week of treatment so this has really just begun for us. I am writing this in the hopes of even one person reading this and being able to help someone they know out of this horrible addiction. This is a "report" in progress and probably the beginning of my next book!

HAVING ENTERTAINED ANGEL COMPLETELY UNAWARE

On Sunday June 22, 2003 my husband Andy got a call from his brother in another state. He asked if his daughter Angel could come stay with us. She needed to get out of town, away from the people she was hanging out with, and get her head on straight. He told my husband that she wouldn't have any money until she found a job so we knew right away this would be a longer stay than what we had anticipated.

Andy (my husband) told his brother that Angel was welcome to bring her little boy with her and that’s when we found out that she had lost custody of him. She had no choice but to sign him over to her mother because of some trouble. Andy’s brother also told him at this time that she may have used meth since she was living with someone that cooked it but he didn’t think she was using now. We were very nieve in this. Why would his brother lie to him or mislead him about Angel... after all she was coming to our home.

On June 24, 2003 we (my husband, daughter and myself) drove the 5 hours to pick Angel up. When they met us Andy's brother drove up on his motorcycle, Angel was on the back... OMG what we encountered from that point on was like nothing I have ever encountered in my life. She was wired to the max and talking like Kermit the Frog. Andy & I knew right away she had smoked and recently. She was talking 100 miles an hour and not making too much sense about it at all.

When we confronted Andy's brother he said she was just nervous and talking fast. I had to laugh at him and told him she was defiantly using meth and if he couldn’t see that he was crazy! At that point we could have decided to leave, drive back to Mississippi and forget the whole thing... did we? NOPE!

We left Angel with her car, with her promising to call the next morning so we could drive back with her. She could come home with us, rest and try to get her head on straight. The next morning about 8 AM she came busting into her sisters house. She was ready to go to Mississippi and we had to leave that minute. She was talking all kinds of nonsense and we knew she had done some meth before she got there. One more for the road I guess. We left... it took us about 7 hours of driving to get home. She didn’t shut up but for about an hour of that. Andy was ready to smother her with a pillow before we got home. At this point she had not slept or eaten in 3 days. That’s why it took so long to get home... we had to stop and feed the "beast"!

That night she started having nightmares. My daughter slept with her and she said it was bad. I am not going to go into details as to what and whom Angel talks about and the starting of her addiction... that’s a story for her to tell hopefully one day but it’s not nice.

I knew this was way bigger than anything I had ever encountered so the next morning I got up, called a counselor friend of mine at the mental health clinic and she pointed me in the direction of a treatment place not far from us. One of the best in the state, but it is not a lock down facility. Angel & I talked about this and she was willing to go. She just wanted the drugs out of her so she could get her baby back. We went to see the place, talked to a counselor there and he agreed she could come but she would have to wait until Monday. This meant we would have to tough out the weekend at the house. The cost of this upon intake would be $425.00 and we didn’t have it nor did we feel it was our place to pay it.

Andy called his brother and told him she needed this money by Monday. He and I also let his brother "have it" about Angel. We were misled and of course the Mother in me went ballistic about how they could ignore this. He just kept saying she was 21 and he couldn’t do anything with her.

It was somewhere in this time frame that I found the web page. I was trying to find out any information I could about this terrible addiction and what we were in for as far as her coming off this drug. Mind you during this time she never shut up except for a few minutes at a time, what she talked about seemed crazy until you listened to her. She wasn’t talking crazy at all; its just she talked about 5-6 different things in one sentence and made everything rhyme. She & I were together 24/7 for the next 6 days I learned her very well. The help I got from the web page and message board helped me so much in knowing what was coming next. One of my daughter’s friends also informed us as to what to expect. LOL Of course he’s also the one that said we should duct tape her to the bed since that’s what he did to get clean!

There was only one point where I wanted to scream “GET THE TAPE” and that’s when I was holding this 5’2, 100 pound child down that turned into the incredible HULK! I was just trying to keep my arms out of the way of her mouth. I didn’t want to get bitten! I have to laugh about all this and look at it as another chapter in my book of life. If I didn’t it would depress me so badly I wouldn’t be able to move.

On Monday I called the counselor and tried to tell him we didn’t have the money to bring her. You guessed it, her Dad didn’t send it to us for her. It was almost like out of sight out of mind. As long as she wasn’t there they didn’t have to deal with it. Well, before I got to the money thing the counselor told me that unless we had her committed he would not accept her. That she would check herself out before time or she wouldn’t follow the rules. He told me to call the counselor friend of mine back and she could tell me what to do. BTW did I mention he was not nice about it either? LOL

I guess I wanted sympathy at this point. It had been 6 days since I had slept and this Polly parrot wouldn’t shut up! He told me when I got the commitment to call him back. It was at this point I called her dad and told him to COME GET HER or western union the money. I had a big family wedding over the weekend and we could not take her in public much less leave her here alone. He just kept telling me what he couldn’t do. I don’t know why I expected any different so I told him what a low life, blah, blah, blah. I thought he was and hung up! All Angel asked when I got off the phone was “Am I ever gonna get to go to rehab?”

I then called my friend, she informed me what we had to do and yes we did it. Went to the courthouse, signed the papers, they called the Dr. that does the assments for things like this and the judge. We took Angel to the Dr at 1PM and then met with the judge at 4PM. In 6 hours we had committed someone and we were not immediate family. I came home called the counselor back and he told me OK bring her in the morning. I was praying the entire time because we didn’t have the money and I didn’t know what I was going to do if she couldn’t go. He told me to bring her the next morning money or no money. Whewwww relief was in sight.

You know through all this Angel just kept saying I want to go… I need the help… she begged the judge to sign the papers, and she never one time asked for more meth. She said she didn’t want any more she just wanted what was in her to leave and for the itching to stop! I asked the counselor when we arrived why didn’t he tell me what a ride the weekend would be… he just smiled and said, “If I had told you would you have done it?” He also told me that if God didn’t know we could handle the situation he would have never sent Angel to us. I had not looked at it that way since it was us that went and picked her up! The counselor also wanted to see how committed we were to helping her. I do believe God has a warped sense of humor at times. It also makes me proud to know that God chose my family to do this for Angel. He had a confidence in me that I didn’t know was there. This has made me a stronger person.

As I write this Angel has been there 11 days. I talked with her counselor on day 7 and they still had not been able to do an intake on her due to the ramblings of her talking. They think somewhere down the line she got a hold of a bad batch of meth and it crossed all the circuits up in her brain. As of this date, she is making some improvements and we will go see her tonight for the first time. It’s going to be a long road for her but I know she can do this.

Some have asked me if it was hard to sign commitment papers. I tell them no. It was what we had to do to save our Angel. She also signed her own papers. She had enough sense about herself to know she needed the help and this was the only way she was going to get it. When you have no money, no insurance, and no other way out and you want help bad enough you will do whatever it takes to get help. I only pray we do our part to see this to the point where Angel knows she’s won the battle and the war.

Part II

July 12, 2003

OMG our visit was incredible. Talking to Angel was like talking to an entirely different person. She made sense, completed sentences and seems to have made some progress. Our visit with her lasted for an hour and Andy couldn't believe the time was up. Before 5 minutes seemed like an eternity and here we had been there an hour and it seemed like only 5 minutes!

We took her the things she had asked for and she was so happy about that. She had even changed shirts to put on one of the new ones I bought before she came out to meet us. I don't know how other places work, but where she is there is a 30 minute "Family" program before you get to see whoever it was you went to see. Andy said it was an infomercial since all they did was play a video about of all things compulsive gambling! He said it was a recruitment tool they use. I had to laugh but he did make sense. He wasn't happy about that, and I was really wanting more info on what we could do to "help" Angel once she got out, not try to figure out if I was a compulsive gambler. (Where we live is in the middle of casinos). BTW, I did learn I was not a compulsive gambler. When Angel came out she asked if we liked the video she laughed and said they made them watch it too; and she told them she was a drug addict and hated casinos!

She did discuss her use of meth a little, but that's not why we were there. She laughed and said she was one of the lucky ones since she never got arrested (not because she had not done anything to get arrested she just didn't get caught!) and she was not a skeleton. We laughed because it looks as if she is gaining some weight, weight she didn't want to gain, but that was OK too!

In our conversation with Angel, she said she had made some decisions about her future with the main one being SHE WAS NOT GOING BACK where she came from. The only reason she would go back would be to "REPO" Levi! Andy & I laughed. She was serious about that. She was clearer and that was only 12 days in treatment. At this point, I cannot imagine the Angel that will come out in 4 more weeks; if she can leave then. It will be decided later on in her treatment; if she needs to stay through the 12 weeks or not. Andy & I need the extra time to get the house she will live in ready for her to come home. BUT if they decide she can leave Angel can help "fix it up". We had just bought 2 small houses here in town before Angel came to us. Her Uncle Andy told her she could stay in one of them after she got out if that was something she wanted to do. He told her once again that she would always have a home with us after this if it were what she wanted. He has really surprised me through all this, since I am usually the one that opens those doors.

Andy's brother keeps calling, wanting info but Angel was quite adamant about us not telling him where she is staying. She said she wasn't ready to deal with the family she left behind just yet. I haven't talked to him, only Andy and he didn't tell him anything so far. Just that I had the info and he would have to talk to me. I knew what he would say would be something like "I am her father and I deserve to know" my reply to that would be "BUT you told us she was over 21 and YOU couldn't do anything with her!" Make him eat those words so to speak.

July 16, 2003

We received a letter from Angel today. She is even clearer than when we were there on Friday. She asked me to call her Mom and check on Levi and sent me the number. Before calling her Mom, I called her counselor to ask a few questions. I had to know from Angel what she wanted to do as far as them visiting. I knew that would be one of the questions asked and since her dad had informed Andy he would be here on Sunday July 20th to see her, I had to know something. Of course that's not visiting day and if it was he was not on her list of visitors; but he makes up his own rules as he goes along.

The counselor informed me that Angel said she was not ready to add any of them to her list; but if he would send her a phone card she would call him. The counselor was impressed as to the calmness in which she said that and at this point she didn't need to see Levi either. She was afraid it would set her back in her progress some how. OK, I will call her Mom and let her know how things are going and check on Levi; but I was calling with my "ducks in a row" so to speak.

It exasperates me when dealing with Angel's family. They are like fair weather fans of a baseball team. They get on the bandwagon once the team is winning and going to the World Series, but are not there during the losing times. Funny how people operate. Well, Mom cried, laughed and informed me that Levi was doing well. He would be out of his cast on the 28th and then physical therapy to learn to walk again for 3 weeks after that.

I had failed to mention earlier that Levi has had medical problems since birth. He has had numerous operations since he was born with his intestines on the outside of his body. This birth defect was not due to drug use in any way. It was just one of those things that happens. He was 4 months old before they could bring him home from the hospital. It was during this time we think Angel started using meth as a way to stay up with him. He has liver disease, a blood disorder and his spleen is enlarged. At this time he is in a body cast due to a broken femur. This break happened while DHS was at her mother's house watching him. All they said was "accidents happen". He has had 2 operations concerning this. Please pray for him also; the little fella could use it.

She said Levi asked about his momma daily, and she would tell him how much his momma loved him and she would be back soon to get him. She also informed me that she had received a letter from Angel and had sent her one the day before. I was pleased to know that Angel had gotten that far in her recovery and was at least writing to her. She had told her about visitation times but nothing else. I told her Mom that at this point she was not on her visitation list, to just give it some time. This was about Angel not anyone else.

I also found out during this conversation with her Mom; that Angel had not lost custody of Levi. She only had signed papers that her Mom could seek medical attention for him. All she has to do to have him back in her custody is talk to DHS there and have a clean urine test. What a relief to me that was, especially for Angel. That's one fight she won't have to go through when she gets out. I wont tell Angel this part right now because she will want us to go get him ASAP but due to the medical conditions at this point it is best he stay right where he is. I will let her counselor know this info.

Later that evening Angel's sister called. She was calling for her Dad to find out about visitation and all that. I told her sister what Angel said, and I don't think she was too happy about that. She had also gotten a letter from Angel and in that letter she told her that Andy & myself were the only ones on her visitation list at this time. Oh well, like I was told, I just deliver the info its up to the person on how they take it. I told her that when Angel got ready to see any of them she would let them know either by calling them or by a letter; but if they wanted to talk to her they needed to send her a phone card.

July 18, 2003

I went to my first AA/Al-Anon meeting in years last night. At this time with Angel in treatment and coming back to our home when it is over, and my sister who entered treatment for the 3rd or 4th time this past week, I need to find some sanity for myself at this point. I need a refresher so to speak and encouragement from others in my boat. The web page is great and posting board but it's not like having a real life hug, when I allow myself to get so exasperated. LOL I told them I was addicted to addicts! I know all the things I need to do I just felt like I was trying to take control of things I have no control over. If that happens I would be sick and that's not an option for me. There is too much to do for me to give in now.

If you are reading this and are affected by someone in your life that is an addict or alcoholic PLEASE EDUCATE YOURSELF. If this person is in treatment use that time to work on yourself because weather you want to believe it or not you have probably been more affected than you care to admit. If they are not in treatment the tools provided would help you to cope better and possibly have a better understanding of what is going on.

If you are reading this and are an addict/alcoholic there are so many groups available and help out there. Help is there for the asking. If you have no money or insurance there are still ways to get help. I am sure your family and friends are concerned and mean well, they will help you find the help you need, it's all in the asking for it. I am sure to the parent's ears of an addict there would be no greater joy than to hear "Please help me, I cannot do this by myself". I know it would be for me as a parent and I would do everything in my power to direct my child to the help they needed.

We will visit with our Angel this evening. We know she is recovering and working hard at this, for her future as well as her son's depends on this. She is getting clean mentally, physically and spiritually and that's what it is all about in my opinion.

Bridgette

I am an addict.  I think that I have always been an addict looking back… but maybe not. I think that I will always be an addict although I hate to put myself in a box. Maybe I should say that I will always have to be mindful of myself, and continue making choices that don't involve drugs.  This is my story... I have to start at the beginning because I don't know where else to start! I'll try to keep it simple thougH....

My parents were divorced when I was two. Of course I have no memory of this. I actually have very few memories of my young life at all. My dad was a dealer and user of sorts. He used to have me make bindles to keep me out of his hair. My mother remarried when I was five or so to a terrible man. Aside from being a hateful man, he was also a dealer and addict. My mom became addicted to coke, heroin, whatever else, and I took care of my younger brother and sister. He owned a bar and I spent a lot of my childhood in it, keeping company with addicts, drunks and "undesireables" if you will.

She left him when I was ten or so. I remember bits of the night – it was a terrifying night for me. He was also a violent man and tried to stop us from leaving. She took me to my grandparents and left me with them. I didn't see her or know really what had happened to her for at least six months. She went to her parents and she tried to heal her wounds and beat her addictions. From what I've been told by my aunt (who helped her) she almost died. She did recover and turned her life around. I've always felt fiercely about my mother – I love her.

I was moved around a lot – from family to family. Always ended up back with my grandparents, but I was a trouble maker. I got kicked out of school a lot, and was basically just a mess. Ninth grade I started partying in earnest, drinking mostly, but then started smoking pot. If someone had other kinds of drugs, I would do them. This is how I went through high school. Got kicked out of a catholic school my senior year and went to a re-entry school in seattle. There I discovered crack. Smoking crack and being a menace to my loved ones.

I moved around some more and settled with my mother and her new husband (a wonderful man to this day) in Oklahoma. Got a job in a kitchen and was smoking pot first thing in the morning and throughout the rest of the day. At work after work at home. I functioned fine when I was stoned – it didn't affect my work and my mom had no idea. Then my boss gave me some speed one day and I loved it. Not like coke. I never really liked coke. I worked 14 hour days happily and partied all night. This went on for a couple of years. Looking back – I'm not sure if it was meth. I think it was just speed, crank. I just snorted it.

This lifestyle caught up with me and I had a breakdown of sorts. They say I'm bipolar and I was having a manic episode. I was very happy in this crazed state. I didn't need the drugs anymore because I was high on something within myself. I gave all of my dope to a gas station attendant. I did all kinds of really bizarre and crazy shit during this time. My mom didn't know what to do and tried to work around me. Just not wanting to see that I was sick. I could understand and talk to animals and God whispered in my ear. I was here to change the world. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I labeled rocks – I labeled everything. I wrote in a code, I gave all of my jewelry away or buried it around Tulsa. You get the picture! I was crazy. This went on for about a month. I was very thin, and very sleep deprived and one day I just collapsed. My mom took me to the hospital and they had me committed to a psychiatric unit. I hated it. They gave me drugs that immobilized me, they gave me drugs that made my mind numb, they gave me drugs. They gave me drugs. I hated it. My only goal was to get out of there. That took me about three weeks. I was "better" in three weeks. Pretty amazing huh.

I wasn't better? just pretending. I moved to texas with my boyfriend. Again I worked in a kitchen, again I got turned on to speed and again I loved it. I got a second job. I worked all of the time. I didn't party as much as before, and basically stopped using other drugs in favor of speed. I mostly did it by myself. My boyfriend was an ass and a mooch, he wasn't even working, I was supporting us. I left him and moved to California with my girlfriend.

In California guess what? I again got a kitchen job! But this time I got turned on to meth. If I loved speed, then I worshipped meth. So much better. I got a second job telemarketing. For awhile I got a third job in another kitchen. I used by myself or occasionally with my girlfriend. She was married and we all lived in a beautiful apartment in San Clemente. I was happy. After a while things started to get hard for me. I wondered at times if I was addicted but convinced myself that of course I wasn't! I quit one of my jobs. I fought with her husband. He was a marine and said that I was jeapordizing his career. I told him to fuck off. I quit another job. I spent most of my time at my dealers place. He liked me. Probably because I wouldn't have sex with him and always paid for my shit. I was kind of scared.

 I ended up rolling my car, quitting my job, and being told by her husband that they were getting another apartment and that  I wasn't invited…all within about a month. I didn't really care. To hurry this along… my girlfriend was very worried about me,  and although I told her no matter what happens or how you feel about this (my use) don't call my family – she did just that.  She called my father and told him that if he didn't come and get me soon  I would die out there.  He was in California the next day.  He brought me back to Montana, but not until after I went over and got an 8-ball for the road.  I got one more ball through the mail, did it and then sort of got my shit together.  I moved to another town in Montana.

That was in 1994.  I got a job in a book and music store this time and made some really good friends, I partied and occasionally did some meth if it was around, but these friends weren't really into that so I didn't know where to find it.  I did really well at this job, I was moved into a management position, and I befriended who was to be my future husband.  I still battled with my depression and took medication, and I always kept my ears open for a connection.   I thought that if I ever did start using  again regularly - I would be smarter about it… take better care of myself… you know – master it and make it work for me.  Right.

In 1998 I got married to this wonderful man who had been such a good friend to me, and whom I loved deeply.  We bought a house and proceeded to get on with married life.  Later in the year,  one of my younger sisters was having trouble at home with her mother and was going to run away.  I wanted to take her in.  I talked to my husband about it and although he was somewhat reluctant,  he agreed and she came to live with us.  Come to find out she had been using meth fairly regularly and had a lot of connections.  I started using regularly again as well… only this time I had a lot more at stake than I ever did before,  so I really tried to stay on top of myself and keep my use hidden.

My husband and sister did not get along at all. It was a strain on our marriage, but more than that it was a strain on me. At this point I knew and accepted that I was addicted, and the strain came from trying to pretend to be something other than what I was, an addict.  Also from trying to defend my sister (but not too much) because he knew that she was using. The shame I felt at the time was in the fact that I was using with her, and yet I was supposed to be helping her, and I was keeping all of this from him. She moved out and got her own place after about a year, and we both continued using on a daily basis.

This went on for three years. I had gotten to know my sisters connections and was using more and more. I had given up caring about my husband – the man I married and loved with all my heart. My friends who didn't use  - I wouldn't hang out with them anymore, and eventually they stopped asking. My job – I had been at that job for seven years by now, I could do it in my sleep and do it well. I got away with a lot of bullshit towards the end. My family – none of them (besides my sister and grandmother) lived here so I didn't really have to worry about that. My health – I just chose to not even think about that. In the end all I cared about was not running out of meth. I very rarely did. It was eating me up – body and mind – and I didn't care. I had also started smoking it; something I said I'd never do. If anyone asked me about anything - why I was so thin, why my hands were raw, why was I crying….any  number of things you would ask of someone who appeared to be falling apart – I would lie. Meth made me into an easy and convincing liar.  Among other things.

My world was caving in around me and I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide this much longer and to be honest - I was really fucking tired and unhappy. I was scared. More than I've ever been scared in my life actually. I was amazed that no-one could figure out that I was extremely addicted  and needed help….FAST. In the past, my dad had always helped me out financially. My mom; she's always helped me out emotionally. I didn't want to go to either of them and say – hey, I fucked up again - please help me. Even though I needed both of their help more this time than any other.  My husband and I were strangers by this time. My little sister was scared to death. For me and of me.  She would try to talk to me – she would ask me - "what should I do? you need help" and I would tell her to just forget it and leave me alone.  And of course I told her that if she told dad or anyone else what was going on with me I would never forgive her. This had always been our secret.

This is part of a reply I posted to someone on the board. They asked what made me decide to quit. I've never written out my story before, and to be honest it's giving me a headache and I'm tired of thinking about it!  So I will cheat and drag part of that post into this. A lot of different factors played into my decision to go to treatment. I was tired of living my life addicted - I have been using drugs for 15 years. I am 34. I was really sick, and honestly thought that I would die soon if I didn't stop. The fact that dying at times was more appealing than living made me sad. I was so tired of fighting my demons. Everything about the way my life was unfolding broke my heart if I stopped long enough to think about it. I generally didn't.

My mother. she came to me at the right time. I was going to try to overdose. I've heard that meth can't kill you on it's own... I didn't and don't believe that. I was going to see for myself. Litterally on my way out the door when she just walked into my house. she lives five hours from me. She says that she knew - she got a feeling at work that something was very wrong, got up and left to come here. She didn't pack, she didn't call... She just came to me. My mother and I have always been very close.

I'm an intelligent woman. I recognized that my life was falling apart around me. I was going to lose my job,. I threw my loving concerned husband out on christmas eve and asked him for a divorce. I lost my mind. everything that has always been important to me... none of it mattered anymore. Death seemed to be the only option open to me. I didn't see any way out.

My mother convinced me somehow that I could get better, that I had to at least try, and if it didn't work... then i could go kill myself! That was in february 2001. I've been clean for three years. I'm getting better. I relapsed this last christmas eve...maybe the holidays are a trigger for me. I am clean now. I never want to feel that emptiness again.

Treatment was hard, but I was so tired and I wanted to learn how to live again. Contemplating myself and my life without meth or any other drug for that matter was terrifying.  It is still terrifying to this day.  I am still trying to get to know myself.  About a month or two after being out I got pregnant.  It's hard to admit this to myself because I like to think that I'm so strong… but if I hadn't found out that I was pregnant – I'm pretty sure that I would've slipped back into active addiction.  Not pretty sure – I know that I would've.  I didn't know who I was sober and I felt completely lost and alone.  I was scared.  But to know that I was carrying a pure and innocent being inside of me. There was no way in hell I would use. No fucking way. And I didn't.

I have a beautiful healthy daughter, and I want to be able to give her the security and love that I needed and didn't get as a child. I want to be here for her, I want to be sober.  I'm getting to know myself and I'm finding that I'm really not that bad!  I relapsed over the holidays, and it was close.  This board helped me immensely during that time and gives me strength still. Looking at my baby girl while she's sleeping or laughing or learning – that gives me strength.  It brings me back to reality when my thoughts start to wander  to what if?  What if I just use for one day?  My relapse lasted for almost two months. That tells me what if? Doesn't work me.   That tells me that one day of using is one day too many.

Thank you for letting me tell my story  - there is life after meth and it's beautiful if you let it be.  I just want to say to anyone who is battling this wicked wicked drug…..start fighting for yourself.  You have a right to live a better life.  Just try,  and if you fail the first time – try again. The second time – try again.  The fourth time….again.  Just keep trying.  Keep fighting.

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