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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Mar

    Still Trying to Hold On

    I'm a 20 yr. old female, although I feel I've already lived 100 yrs., experiencing more evils, destruction, pain, and sorrow than any person should know. When I was young, I was always the "GOOD ONE" outta the click. The one who always kicked it with the older crowds, but never did the things they did-the drugs, drinking, etc.

    Well, obviously I'm here now, so that went out the door. I suppose hanging with those older crowds that I did, creped slowly into my mind and filled me with a false sense of bravery, and the balls to accept all the offers to hit the bowl, or take the pill. Now I can say I've tried almost everything there is, nothing to be proud of, by any means. I remember that first time I met that infamous and scandalous "TINA", I had actually found a drug that I enjoyed. It was only supposed to be a social thing, only doing it when I was with people who did it. Then I got a job, and had money to spend, and soon I found myself spending $50 outta every check to get a sack. I lost that job only months later, fallen victim to "TINAS" trifling ways. I went without work for 6 months, doing nothing but living the TWEEKERS life .my days turned to weeks and I had not eaten a thing, or slept a wink, just a couple of hour long rests to recharge my body.

    Thinking I looked so hot in the mirror, that crystal courage seemed to me had given me a glow to my skin, looking full of life. I ended up becoming harsh, cold, and almost nonexistent to my family, I lived with my mother, yet I stayed gone for days. When I was home, I was locked up in my room, tending to my tweaking' needs, or sleeping for days on end, only waking up to stuff my face with the food I had deprived myself of for so long. My friends all starting going to jail taking away my "drug buddies" to get high with. So I started doing it by myself and soon after I realized that I was no longer in control of my life. "TINA" had taken over my life, and my mind, and thrown away the inspiration, excitement, eagerness to do anything at all. I thought I was lucky all my life, hanging' with the bad crowd, yet never once myself getting caught by the law.

    Well, it was only inevitable; I spent the night in jail, domestic violence me and my mother. It had just blown up and my overridden, stolen soul had come full-blown out. That taught me a good lesson though, I had realized that I could lose control that I wasn't an exception to the "druggie" rule, and I too could get ugly. I still continued to use, searching for friends I could go hang out with in order for me to cure my cravings. I discovered I was pregnant, FELT FEAR AND DESPERATION. I'd be high the whole time, and I was already a couple months into it, so I was scared. I went against my parents' wishes, and kept the baby.

    My first ultrasound would become the darkest, hardest experience ever. We discovered she had multiple serious, rare disorders. I never told the Dr.'s or my mom of my true thoughts, but I knew myself the cause of all that. At 5 months, I gave birth to my little girl, except there were no cries to hear, no smiles to see, she was dead.

    I'm sharing this with you in hopes of making some people realize the effects. After I lost her, I started using again, losing all hopes and cares of what life brought me anymore. So it's only been a few months since then, and here I am. At least now I know how to use in moderation, and not overstepping the boundaries I've learned I had before. Although "TINA" is still the love of my life, the one that makes me happy, keeps me company, holds me close. This relationship we have is SICK and twisted, and completely dysfunctional. I still use, I admit, even right now.

    Over these years of darkness, I've experienced and seen SO many disheartening, painful, horrible things. It's been a HUGE roller coaster of good and evil, fun and despair. But I will say to you, that I would not take back any of it, b/c all the ROUGH times I've lived, has made me the person I am today. I'm more intelligent, wise, more open-minded and understanding, more sympathetic to those like me, and more. I've been able to see the faults of my father, forgiving him for his own substance abuse and realizing now that he's got hepatitis C.

    I know I've got to forget all that past and love him for being my dad. I had realized struggling day after day through my own addiction, understanding why he was the way he was. I would like to be able to rid "TINA" out of my life, I'm sick of her hurting me, killing me slowly, messing with my head, stealing my brain and my soul, ruining my social life, keeping me from working, and living a happy life. But sorry to say, I've also been robbed of my willpower and my strength. Right now, I'm stuck . wanting to live a normal life but I've lived this life for 2 years now, and I wouldn't be right sober, I wouldn't feel right, I'd feel lost and bored.

    So I guess I'll keep tweaking, trying to maintain whatever since of normally I can, and hope one day I'll find the strength to kick this madness to the curb. Unfortunately, I think I've already sustained significant damage to my body I'm almost positive I've got some sort of kidney infection, b/c every time I so a lot of "TINA" unbearable sharp pains starts. My back molars and teeth have been eaten to the point of massive cavities in them. I have absolutely NO energy to do anything much more strenuous than walking to my car. I have insomnia now, depression, MAJOR anxiety, KONSTANT TWITCHING and shaking, cold and hot flashes.

    My brain is probably mooch, b/c I have no memory at all, my thoughts get interrupted by silence, like my brain just turns out the light. I have fatigue, an eating disorder and SO many more issues now b/c of this scandalous, evil drug.



    Hey, I'm Lindsey. I sent an entry just over a year ago and I was still in active addiction using ice. I'm now almost 6 months clean and attending NA meetings just about every night. i just re-read my last entry and that really brought me back down to reality. It was titled "This is my life: still trying to hold on" on page 2 of the users letters. Reading what I had wrote previously really brought back the memories of the horror this disease of addiction brought me and made me remember where I came from before this program. I'm just writing this to let people still using ice and other drugs know that there is hope to get off and stay off meth.

    The statistics aren't in our favor, but I'm living proof that's its possible if you just try and want it bad enough. That's the thing about the NA program that I'm a part of, it doesn't work unless you want it.

    As I said before, I've been clean for 6 months coming up on September 25, 2004 and I feel so much better about my life and myself now that I've stopped doing ice. My life is dramatically improved, but I must be honest in saying this. I do still crave and want and desire to use ice sometimes, but I just have to realize by doing things like looking over this website and remembering the old times, I know that using is not where I want to be in my life anymore.

    Why live that way? I don't know if I'll ever use again. I can't say I will or I won't for sure, but I do know that using again isn't in my future plans, and that I hope and pray that I don't have to go back out to that hell I was living in ever again. So I'm writing this to show that if you read my first entry that I named above and then read this only a year later. IT CAN GET BETTER IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH! You just have to look for the help, and get your strength back to stand up for yourself and fight back against your addiction and there will be hope once again.

    Lindsey, Alabama

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