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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Feb

    Letter To Mom

    This is the second time I've done this with hopefully the same point coming across. I fell down. I knew I was going to, I just didn't know when. I've let and actually pushed my life downwards into what appears to be a never-ending spiral. But help came to me at a time I felt that nothing would get better. And I dealt with some issues. And life, for once in a long time, didn't seem hopeless.

    Kerry (my drug counselor) found a light for me. It was dim, but it was there. Mom, I'm sick of being in control. I have always needed control or to be in control. And maybe that is why I love this drug. It controls me and I can accept that, hands down. I know what it does to me - the organ damage, the thought depression, everything it does, ultimately. It is all bad. But I've lost sight of that long term goal. I've second guessed my place in life. I am not happy and I wonder when the last time I really was.

    Mom, have I ever been truly happy? I can't think of a day when I woke up, looked forward to the activities planned, smiled at myself because I was happy with my values, beliefs, thoughts, and situation. I needed to find my calling. I needed to find out who I am. And somewhere on that quest, I stumbled. I fell down. And now it seems that I don't know if I want to get back up. It is looking like Mount Everest right now. Where do I begin with all of the unsorted thoughts and emotions? Quitting drugs? Planning my future? Running? Where do I go? I love this drug. I hate that admitting that is easier than saying my own name. But it does that for me. I can say anything with this drug. I feel more emotionally connected with it than I have ever felt with anyone. Does that scare me?

    Immediately I think no, I feel secure. But somewhere, almost lost in the mess left of my soul, I am crying. Because this is the most scared I have been in my life. And I don't want to stop - at least not forever. I have never had something consume me like this. Except for maybe my heart, my anger, my sadness, jealousy, my hurt and my pain.

    I feel so good when I do this drug but I fell so immoral. I am more angry, disappointed, and disgusted with myself than you could ever imagine. And at the same time, I'm smiling because I know I have some to get me through today. Does it love me? You bet- this drug would do anything for me. It would fight through hands and hands and it would travel the country for me. Because it knows my love for it is unconditional. I am just a beginner, mom, but I feel wiser than even my grandparents at times.

    You see things in a different light. Everything looks a lot more bearable. But then why, mom am I so heavy? I'm not asking for help, sympathy, or contempt. I'm looking for you to try to understand. As best you can, understand that I didn't mean to, but I fell down. And I am struggling on my stomach, deciding if I should really try to get up. Because if I get up, I'm not sure I want the path more chosen. I'm not sure I have your unconditional acceptance, and I'm not sure what I want. I am sorry.


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