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Letters from Crystal Meth Users

  • Jan

    Trying to Find Myself

    I was 13 when I tried my first cigarette. And that was it, the people I hung out with, who were much older, suddenly seemed to think I was much cooler. I got hooked on nicotine because I thought it made me belong. Then, the summer i was 14, I smoked weed for the first time. And I never stopped. When I was high, everything was ok, it seemed like my friends really accepted me and I loved myself and the world. I promised myself I would stick to weed, no chemicals, no injections, and no pills.

    But when I entered high school at 14 and a half, I found a new crowd of people. They were the sketchy, 'weird', paranoid people that hung out in the park across the street. Their eyes seemed to be swallowed by black circles, and their bones stuck out in every place. At first it was just weed and I thought it was ok; after all, they were friends. Then one night in a bathroom, my best friend pulled out a very delicate looking glass pipe. She looked at me with this hunger on her face and asked if I wanted to some speed. It was my first time. She was an expert and told me exactly what to do. I loved it-the light smoke, the big hits, the taste, the energy, the feeling. One night, too many hits, and I was hooked.

    Soon I lived only for tweak. Spending days and days without eating but it was ok, because I was happy and on top of the world. I lost so much weight that I was sent to a counselor because people thought I was anorexic. I've always been skinny, but I weighed about 95 lbs. and stood at 5'8. I stole from my mother, dad, brother, friends, anyone who had money. I was never home, my GPA dropped to below 1.0, and it happened. My friend ratted me out. I met w/ the police and I was spun, they would call my house, and I'd still be spun. I was under investigation but I couldn't make myself stop. I didn't have the control anymore.

    This was about two months ago. I've been in trouble for weed, coke, speed, drinking, the whole nine yards. I couldn't let it all go, I smoke weed almost every day, and I've been clean for only a month of speed. But every day is hell, and not one day goes by where I don't think about getting back what I had. If someone flashed tweak in front of me, unfortunately, I'd take it. Right now, i would kill for speed.

    I know you've all heard it before, but it's not worth it EVER. I am 15 years old and threw away all I cared for. My family can barely look at me, I switched schools 3 times (each time falling in w/ the wrong crowd), I've lost all my friends, and i have nothing left but the hollowness and knowing that it's my fault. I've become one of those twitchy, paranoid, worthless parkies and I could've stopped it all along time ago.


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