Hi, you will probably wonder why I am telling you my story. I always said, "When I decided to stop using speed that I would tell my story to a million people, if that is what it would take to keep one person from ever touching or using any hard drug, especially speed." It has destroyed me! It cost me my marriage to my first love, a good relationship with my children, up to this point and I lost the trust of family and friends. It almost cost me the life of my youngest daughter.
I have been using crystal meth (SPEED) since February 1999. To some that might not be a long time, but to me it is. I do not remember exactly when I started shooting it, but I am pretty sure it was only a few months after I did meth for my first time. I remember thinking - "Cool, a drug that only stays in your system for a few days." Up until then, I had only smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. I had only been smoking weed for a few months. I do know that in the following years, it was awful and things only got worse and never better. I was always paranoid that someone was watching me or trying to hurt me. Thinking I saw something that was never really there in the first place. I just swore something was lurking in the shadows. You can take a really nice person and put them on speed and they will completely turn into a monster. I know I have seen it happen to a few people I know.
I got with my husband (now ex-husband) Jr. in November of 1998. We had known each other since we were nine. He was my first love and my first everything. I remember thinking in high school "I would never do drugs", because they are bad for you and will hurt you, and was told they might even kill me. In elementary school I remember Isaiah Robertson coming to my school and talking to me about drugs and his life with drugs. I decided then that I would not touch them, because I did not want to end up like that. I remember what other members of my family went through and am still going through with my Uncle Eddy and his drug addictions. He would steal anything from anyone to get money for drugs. He did not even care who you are or what of yours he took from you. He even stole my piggy bank once to get drugs. He stole pain killers from his own mother (my Grandmother) before she passed away. She had MS and he stole her Morphine. I remember all the bad things my family would say and still say about him and the things he would do to support his addiction. Now, I wonder if they ever said or thought those things about ME!
I remember thinking "I never want to do drugs." Well, I did, and I liked them. From there it all went downhill. When Jr. and I first got together we lived with his mom. Then we moved in with my parents. We started doing hard drugs only when my husband and I would have the extra money to do it. We did cocaine and speed. And we still smoked weed. First we started snorting the hard drugs. Then, we smoked them off foil, out of a light bulb or even out of a glass pipe. Then I shot up my first time! I remember it like it was yesterday! Oh, the rush of it! The way it made me feel. OH BOY that is a feeling no one can forget! That sound of the "Train". Anyone who has shot Meth or Coke knows what I talking about. The feeling you get and it warms your body from head to toe. It is hard to explain. That taste in the back of the mouth. How you can feel it go through your body. We would even mix the two sometimes when we would shoot them. I believe that is called a speedball.
We got our first place together in February 1999. We had someone we knew to move in with us to help with the bills. That is also when we had our first run in with the police in March of 1999. We kicked out the roommate because she wasn't helping with the bills or anything else. She got mad because we kicked her out and she called the cops and told them we were getting six pounds of speed delivered to our house that night. Anyone that knows anything about drugs knows that is a lot of drugs in one place at one time. The police showed up and we allowed them to search our house. They found a light bulb, roach clips and some prescription pondimum pills that were my mother's. At this time pondimum had been taken off of the market because researchers found out that it could cause major health problems. The pills got mixed up in my stuff when we moved out of my parent's house and into the house of our own. But, since the pills were my mother's pills and they were in my house, I got charged with possession of a controlled substance. We lost our place to live and moved in with his mother.
I found out on April 16, 1999, my 19th birthday, that I was pregnant. The hard drugs stopped for me right then and there. I only smoked weed during my pregnancy, but now I know that was just as bad as anything else was. In September 1999 I was put on probation for those pills. Imagine the looks I got going into court six months pregnant for possession of a controlled substance charge. I had my little girl in December 1999. I could not wait to do a "Bump." I remember that. After that next bump is when I wanted it real bad. All the time and as much as I could get. We moved out of my husband's family place in February 2000 and got a trailer of our own. We thought we were actually going to get somewhere in life this time. That is when we met our first famous "Dope Cook" and my husband became the runner for him. We took him everywhere he needed to go and in return we got "free dope" what a great deal we had going on or at least that is what we thought! We actually married in March of 2000. For a wedding present our "dope cook" gave us two 8 balls of speed. Boy did we ever have fun that night! We lost our place to live in early May of 2000 because we used all the drugs he gave us instead of selling some to pay bills. We had to move in with my mom and step-dad again. We keep on doing the "running" for the cook for a few more months.
In June of 2000, I found out that I was pregnant again with our second child. I do remember I thought, "Oh, boy-- what are we going to do now?" We kept running him around for dope for my husband and money or whatever I needed for me since I was pregnant. I did not do any hard drugs for three months. Then my husband went to jail for six months in September of 2000. I started shooting up, while I was pregnant and he was locked away.
I still do not know to this day what possessed me to shoot speed while I was pregnant. But the past is the past and I cannot change it. I just have to live with it and move on. In fact, the night I went in to labor I had shot some speed and I think that is what made me go into labor. She was born six weeks early on December 12th, 2000. I had meth in my system of course, but when they did the drug test on the baby and her placenta they found no traces of any drugs. What a miracle! She only had to spend two weeks in the hospital. And there was nothing wrong with her. They kept her because she could not keep her body weight. In the hospital CPS came in and gave her to my mom. I got her back in January 2001. I did not even stop after all that. I still kept using. Jr. got out of jail in March of 2001. And immediately we went back to doing speed together. CPS called me again in April 2001 because I was going to go to jail for violating my probation and they needed to place my children with someone (my Parents) other than my husband because he had been using too. CPS knew that we had been using together during those months. He got popped his first drug test a few days after I had to turn myself into jail. And he had to leave the house because he failed it, and then lied about taking the drugs.
I got out in June of 2001 and I did not get my kids back until July or August of 2001. When I got out I had to go get MY HUSBAND from a dope whores house. That was where I should have left him! But I didn't. Hind sight is 20/20 though. We moved into his mom's house together, without our kids. Another mistake I made. I should have stayed with my children at my parent's house. I have no clue what I was thinking. We got our kids back and kept on using METH. We moved out of his mom's house and into my parent's house in October of 2001. My ex-husband, Jr., got a job working not too far from the house. There is where he ran in to someone we both knew in high school. We found out that he smoked weed and speed also. After that we started hanging out with him and his wife. Gerry's wife, Lauren and I became best of friends. Lauren knew Gerry smoked weed, but she did not know he smoked speed. After a while she was starting to suspect he was doing more than just weed. Gerry asked me to tell his wife he was doing speed and asked me to try to salvage his marriage. One weekend we went over there. Jr. and Gerry left to go find some dope and I told Lauren what Gerry was doing. She was very upset. This next part is where I went wrong, so very wrong! I told her she should try it. After many hours of talking about it, she did. She smoked out of a light bulb and off tin foil. She liked it! Now, I realize she was instantly hooked. We all hung out and partied. Then Gerry started shooting speed behind Lauren's back. Lauren was still only smoking it at this point.
I tried to kill myself in June of 2002, and CPS stepped back in my life AGAIN and took the girls away again. I spent three days in ICU. I had taken enough Ambien to kill 5 grown men. And on top of that I had taken a dozen Tylenol PM. When I got home from the hospital my husband and I continued to use drugs. In July 2002 we all got kicked out of his sister's place. We moved in with another "dope cook" we knew. We lost contact with Gerry and Lauren at this point. Boy, the things I learned while we lived there! I could never forget. Some of the people I met really SCARED ME! I learned never to look people in the eye that you do not know.
We lived there until September 2002. His mom came a rescued us. I thought my prayers have been answered. We moved out of there and in with his mom. We got our girls back shortly after we moved back in with his mom. When we got there he also wanted to go out and „hustle to get drugs. He wanted to hustle drugs to make money to get diapers for the girls rather than borrowing some money from my mom to get them. I left my husband on 15th of September-two days before his birthday. When one of our friends that just happened to be a major dope cook around here found out that I was quitting and that I had left Jr., he told everyone not to sell to me and not to even give me any. While we were separated. Jr. ran into Gerry and Lauren again. He and Gerry talked Lauren into trying the needle. I know this because she called me and told me all about it. And then she wanted me to come over and visit. I told her no I couldn't because I had decided that it wasn't a good idea to go over there. This is around the same time I relapsed in November of 2002 and I only did it one time, but that is all it takes. I went over to this person's house to show someone I knew what I was doing. He offered me a bump and I took. I went home and thought about what I had just done. And kicked myself in the butt for it! I did really well for a while.
I relapsed in July 2003. It happened at Gerry and Lauren's house. I just went over there to say hi. I knew better than to go over there. I knew they were still using and I knew they were shooting it too. I think in the back of my head I wanted to relapse. I went over there thinking I was strong enough to say no if I had to. As it turns out, I wasn't. Surprise!! Went over there and started wanting it. I was even the one that mentioned getting some. We went and found it. I found someone who had some dope AND a brand new point (needle)! Oh boy, did I think I was in heaven! But I wasn't. My boyfriend at the time found out where I was and he knew I had a real bad past with METH. He knew what I was doing but I denied it for about 8 hours. He would call constantly. He wouldn't let me get off the phone and when he did he would call back 10 minutes later. I could not handle lying to him anymore. I told him the truth. He hung up the phone on me only after he called me a few more choice names.
About that time is when that "dope cook" friend of mine showed up over there. He found out I was back in the area and found out that I got drugs from someone and wanted to know who gave them to me. When I heard him holler my name I knew I was in trouble. OH BOY was I in trouble. He also had another friend with him. I tried to hide it from them by running down the hallway into my friend's room but it did not work. They both knew I was there and was hollering for me to come see them. I went back down the hallway and sat next to the one I knew the best. He asked to see my arms and I did not want to show him. I had marked up my arms pretty bad trying to find a vein. But I finally found it only after I made myself look like a pin cushion first. I did not want to show them to him because I was ashamed of what they looked like and the fact that I had relapsed again. He made me look at what I done to myself. Then he called my boyfriend and told him to come pick me up because I was too high to drive all the way back home. And he told him not to let me come back to that area for ANY reason and he told him to tell me that when I came down from my high. When my boyfriend came and got me I was scared he was going to yell and scream at me some more. But he just took me home. He did not yell at me or call me any bad names. He just helped me get ready for bed and held me all night.
Well my husband and I got a divorce in October 2003. I thought I had closed that chapter of my life for good. I stayed clean from meth until August of 2004. Yes, just a few months ago. I made it a year and thought everything was downhill from here. Boy was I ever wrong! A "dope cook" (my now ex-husband) got out of prison in July of 2004. I thought I could say no to it. But when it is right there in front of your face it is SO hard. I smoked it at first. Then I shot it AGAIN. I lied to my boyfriend about it and hid it from him for six weeks. I know I should not have done it. I knew before the needle even left my arm that I should not have done it. I have shot it twice since then and smoked it a bunch of times. My new clean date is about a month ago. November 13 to be exact. Boy was that was a mistake to even TRY it again! I now battle those awful cravings to do it again. I don't crave it as much as I used to. I am scared they will become real bad again.
I also watched my boyfriend go from saying he hated needles and would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. Now he prefers shooting METH. It scares me. To see someone flip like that makes me realize just how powerful this drug is. I've already lost one man I loved to this evil drug. Now I am scared I am going to lose two. The place I live is referred to as Speeder Creek Lake in a really small town in Texas. Back in July, I had a really good friend of mine murdered because of this drug. It was the dope friend of mine that showed up at the house where I was when I relapsed in July of 2003. I have seen this drug do NOTHING but tear „my world and everyone else's world it touches apart. Meth will make your life a living hell. I do not think you can judge this drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I am not saying „go out and do it. Please do not do that. It only takes once. I have done the picking and left sores all over my body. I have had the suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I thought people were out to get me. I have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion. I never thought I would do this drug again. I guess the saying once an addict always an addict is true.
The biggest step is to ADMIT and ACCEPT you have a problem. From there it is all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC. Demon of choice and that is what it is. a choice. No one caused these relapses but me. Trust me; I have tried blaming a few people. I have chosen this drug over everyone, myself, my children, my parents, my lovers & my close friends, all of whom I have hurt in one way or another because of METH. One of the times my boyfriend and I were smoking METH, I was rude to a mutual friend of ours because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I was ashamed for people to see me like that. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I think the only person I am fooling is MYSELF! I know I am addicted. Now, all I have to do is BE more powerful than the drug. I really have to be strong, not only for myself but for my kids. I have also learned "never say forever" because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay clean and not use anymore. I just take it ONE day at a time. And look to God for answers. I am still adding and editing to this story of mine. I hope this will help whoever reads it.
I am now in a 12 step program. Which is helping me a lot? It is a lot of work to stay clean. There are days I just want to give up. But i can't and won't. Sometimes I have to live for the next five minutes. There are a few things that I have to remember and that is the one thing I have to change is everything. That means people places and things. I did not destroy my life in one day, a month or even a year. So it is going to take time to put it back together. I am now back at home, AGAIN with my parents and I have my kids with me. I am not just someone you read about. I am a person. I have two little girls. I also have boyfriend that loves me and I love him very much. I have two sets of parents that love me. I also have lots of loving friends and a family that loves me too. I did not come from parents that were drug users. I did not live around it when I was a child. When I was a senior in high school I didn't even know what a joint was much less crystal meth! That was in March of 1998 and by December 1998 I was smoking weed. And well you just read the rest of the story. It's all history. Jennifer (TxTigger), Mabank, Texas
October 28th, 2011
I have been addicted to meth most of my adult life. I tried to get clean a few times and found that it just wasn't something I could manage and honestly didn't really think it was that big of a deal until my daughter came along. My boyfriend and I had been together for about 8 months when I got pregnant. I was excited and he was excited, until the reality set in that I was using meth and pregnant. I decided it was time to stop and thought I could just do it this time. I believed I had control and since there was a good reason it would be easier. I was so very wrong. I was good for about a month and then went to a friend's house where I walked in on a bunch doing meth. It was beyond my control to stay away from it. I thought I could just do it once and then walk I would go home. That started it all.
I finally got help when my mom saw how hard I was struggling and was totally honest with me. She told me if you don't stop you are going to kill your child or worse give it a life starting out addicted to the same crap you are stuck on. She drove me to a rehab center where I started an outpatient treatment plan. I have been working hard ever since to stay clean and provide for my baby and her future.
October 28th, 2011
I had no idea I was even pregnant when I started using meth. I had used other drugs before and could stay away from it for weeks at a time, but meth was different. I had no control. I couldn't keep myself from wanting it constantly. I would do anything to get it. Then I became pregnant. Everything changed, or I thought. I was going to stop right then and get my life together. I had a new life to consider and I couldn't take a baby on this road that I was on. Stopping seemed like the only answer so that I could keep this child unlike my children that I had lost along the way to the state. I decided I needed help and checked myself into an inpatient facility. This was all I could do to make sure that I wouldn't use.
I worked hard to make sure I was paying attention to all they had to teach me about taking control of my life. It was hard and I wanted to use every day. I thought about it all the time. After the baby was born I was worried that I would go back to using and to make sure I didn't I started attending regular meetings and made sure to find the help I needed to stay away from the meth. I wanted to have a life with my new baby and I wanted to set an example for him. It takes all I have every day to stay focused on the goal.
October 28th, 2011
I didn't even realize I was addicted to meth until I got pregnant with my son. I always thought it was just my choice to use and I could stop any time I really wanted to. I was proven wrong in a big way when I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant with my son and I tried to stop. I was successful for less than a week and then the first time it was in front of me I used. I felt so guilty I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't stop using either. I went to my sister and asked for help. She said I had to check myself into rehab right away and she was right. I went that very night as late as it was and went into an inpatient rehab treatment program to save my babies life and give myself back my life.
Rehab was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Taking back control seemed impossible some days and I thought I would go crazy. I stayed with the group therapy and counseling and learned some great skills to help me when I got out. When I look at my son I am so proud of myself and it gives me the strength to continue being clean for both of us. He is such a strong baby and I want to make sure that we both stay that way. I figure he deserves a mom that is at least as strong as he is.
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