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Meth Addict's Personal Stories

  • Feb

    The Pain in Their Voices

    The Pain in Their Voices

    I started using when I was about 18 1/2 years old. It all started out really innocent. I didn't grow up around users. I grew up with my mom and step-dad and my younger brother (1 year younger). We had a very normal childhood. We all had dinner at the table every night together. My brother and I had to ask to be excused from the table; we had holidays with the family. My mom made us our Halloween costumes. My brother played little league and I was in the girl scouts. I was very shy growing up.

    Around Jr. High, I started hanging out with this kids who drank. I hated the taste of alcohol, but I drank because it made me feel cool and just for a little while I didn't have to feel like I didn't fit in. I guess from being so shy, I just never felt like I measured up to everyone else.

    In High school, I began smoking pot with my friends and I loved it. It made me laugh and I just feel in love with it. Around my 11th grade year, I lost all interest in school and hardly ever went. I began dedicating my life to drinking and smoking pot. All I ever wanted to do was have fun. I never realized all that time that I was always taking everything a step or two further then my friends. I ended up getting in trouble with the law, and getting kicked out of my parents' house.

    I was so young, 18. I was blonde haired and blue eyed and very innocent looking and I ended up living in a skid row type motel. However, it was all I could afford with my coffee house job. I was too stubborn to apologize to my step dad and ask to come home. I thought I had it all figured out. This is where I was introduced to speed and I loved it.

    A friend of mine that I had met when I was 14 came to stay with me because he didn't want me staying there alone. I was having trouble and the relationship I had been in for the 2 1/2 years before all this was coming to an end. When my friends and I would do lines, I felt good. I was happy. I was numb. We'd stay up talking all night. Slowly but surely as all these friends from childhood started seeing how bad things were getting and started going back home and getting back to living regular lives again.

    All of a sudden I looked around and all the familiar faces I had known had been replaced by strangers. I was the only one who couldn't see what was happening. I was now totally and completely left alone this young naive girl from a decent family alone in the Meth/Drug world. And I was blind to it all. I was so hooked, and it took me another 8 or so years before I would ever realize I had a problem.

    I had since lost my coffee house job. I had been in jail 2 times already. I would constantly fight with my family when I would see them. They would tell me how horrible I looked and all I heard was them trying to run my life.

    Today I know what they were really telling me was, that they were worried about me. I was just so over taken by this drug. I COULD NOT HEAR ANYONE. I couldn't hear the pain and fear they had in their voices when they would point out the truth to me. All I heard was them trying to tell me what to do. All I heard was how wrong they were because I knew I had things under control. After all I was just having a good time. I knew what I was doing.

    After about a month or two of doing lines I switched to smoking it and from there nothing was ever the same. When I had gotten evicted out of my motel room I would sleep outside of the motel. When I ran out of friends to kick it with, I would go home.

    There were no drugs at home and I knew though at the time I didn't realize this was what I was doing. But I knew drugs were at the motel. I started stealing and scamming stores. I went to jail many times. I did check scams and I would go months and months without ever talking to or seeing my family. I would get in abusive relationships. But I never realized or thought about stopping.

    I had friends killed behind this drug and still I would not stop. I did a year in jail and thought I'd stay clean once I got out. I did for about 6 months, and then it all started again. ONLY THIS TIME WORSE because my addiction had progressed. I began shooting up and my entire life revolved around getting a bag of dope. Shooting a bag of dope and then getting more. This went on for 3 years, with me only sobering up for about 90 days while I went to jail yet again. I was back home living with mom during this time and though she should have kicked me out from the very beginning, she didn't and I threw my horrible drug life right in my families faces. My brother, my mom, and I put my brothers 2 little girls in very bad situations.

    I had tweekers crawling all over that house all hours of the night and day. I left my needles all over my room and other drug stuff too. My arms always had track marks all over them and I looked horrible. Finally when my mom and brother were getting rid of the house they told me they were moving and that I needed to go find my own place to live.

    With no car and no money, no nothing. I was in real bad shape and my mom had tears in her eyes. I couldn't be mad. I knew I had pushed them this far, and it was my own doing. I had tried a few times to stay off the stuff and found that I couldn't. I just couldn't. I would be trying to will myself to not go and pick up more dope and somehow there I'd be spending my last dollar or your last dollar for more drugs.

    It broke my heart, and it scared me. I knew I had everything to lose if I didn't stay clean. But I just couldn't. I had been arrested and was on prop 36 I knew I had to stay clean for that or I'd be going to jail. I couldn't stay clean. I knew my family would be through with me and I had promised them. I still couldn't stay clean. Not for my boyfriend. I just couldn't. It had me and what I didn't know is that it always had...

    Prop 36 finally ordered me to do 90 days in rehab because I just couldn't manage to get to the classes and appointments. My Brother dropped me off at the Rehab and I didn't hear or see them again for a
    few months. I have now been sober since 11/16/02 and my entire attitude and outlook upon life has changed.

    That hole I had in my gut that made me feel like I didn't measure up is starting to be filled. I am becoming okay with Angie today. I got sober with the 12 step program and I truly feel blessed to be given a second chance at life. If I can get sober, anyone can.

    Today I have a car (my brother gave it to me for Christmas) and my brother is the one who really practiced tough love on me before I went to rehab. He was done with me. I have a full time job. I manage a sober living home from the rehab I went through. I sponsor girls. I am an active and participating part of my family.

    All this didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of work. One day at a time doing just what was in front of me and not worrying about anything else. It took for me to realize my head and my ideas don't work. But recovery and a sober life are possible. Today I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank You. To all my friends here especially the mothers they have helped me realize just what I put my family through.

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